Surviving divorce as a Christian- The beginning of the end.

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."- Psalm 119:50

Divorce and Christian in the same sentence can send some people into a panic attack. Divorce? Really? Never. Not for a Christian. We know the commitment is till death. And yet divorce, even in the church is continuing to become more of the norm.

That's where the conundrum begins for someone like me. Hi, I'm Melody. A Christian and a divorcee. I say that only to introduce my thoughts on this subject, but don't mistake that intro as the way I define myself. I'm defined as nothing but a child of God saved by His grace.

Back to the conundrum. Because divorce is so common, there is a need to encourage those going through it that it really will be okay, they will live again, they will move forward, and they will have joy in their lives again. They are not alone. And yet, I would never want to ignore the truth that where divorce is, so is sin, betrayal and broken vows. It is the result of falling off the path God chose in the beginning when He created Eve. It is not a good thing. It is not a desired thing. It is to be avoided at all costs. It is serious, and not to be taken lightly. So with that said, I'll now state my disclaimer.

If you are currently married but contemplating divorce, stop reading right now. Evaluate your situation on whether divorce is even biblical. The Lord allows divorce for two reasons: 1. Infidelity in the relationship and 2. An unbeliever who walks away and abandons the union. It's also fair to note that just because a spouse has been unfaithful in the marriage does not mean divorce is commanded or even still the right thing. There is perhaps no better example of Christ's love and forgiveness in the flesh then when a spouse can forgive the other of infidelity and commit to renewing the vows and rebuilding the trust.

So, stop reading, find your spouse, tell them you want a better relationship. Read marriage devotionals or talk to leadership in your congregation about counseling. Do whatever you can do to stop your train of thought. Do not pass go. Do not collect  $200.

This is not meant to encourage divorce, only to encourage those faced with this reality that they can get through the pain. Perhaps it can give insight to others who have strong marriages of what divorcees face during their time of grief.

Have you had the talk? The one where you or your spouse asks for a Divorce? If so, you are probably in shock. You can't think straight, you can't function normally. Even if a part of you knew it was coming, the reality still hits like a slap in the face. Strike that; like a train has run you over, backed up, and crushed you again. How is it that you're even still alive?

It is often in the beginning of this transition where the mind wanders back to the glory days of dating and early marriage. You remember everything like new again. I know for me, I remembered the long nights on the phone where we would just pour our hearts out to each other. There were several times, including the night before our wedding, where we talked until we fell asleep. I remember waking the next morning to shuffling sounds and picking up the phone still connected, to tell him good morning.

There may be one nagging question in your mind. "Where did we go wrong?"

And the reality is that the answer will be different for everyone. You and your spouse may not even agree. But this is an important part of the process of divorce and moving forward. This question shouldn't be ignored.

It's the beginning of the end. And it can serve to teach you and help you as you rebuild your life.

It may not be easy to pinpoint it exactly. For me, I can tell you the exact moment things forever changed. Of course I didn't recognize it then, but I'm forever the wiser and will not make those same mistakes again; not in my life, and not in a future relationship should it be God's Will that I marry again.

This elephant in the room, the defining moment where your marriage began to end can be anything from a decision not to communicate properly or apologize after a fight, getting a job that took you away from the family or church, not prioritizing time together, being more interested in your phone then real human contact, a disinterest in helping in the parenting duties, and on and on. The beginning of the end is not usually the big blow up things. It's not the affair, emotional or physical. It's not abuse, or total abandonment. It's not alcohol addiction. Or drugs. Or whatever.

It's that little nagging thing that happened that caused a chain reaction. If you recognize it soon enough, you can fix it. But if you don't, it will spiral out of control until you're sitting next to a stranger making one of the hardest decisions of your life.

People might tell you "don't dwell on the past." And they mean well, I promise. But they don't realize that in the beginning of the divorce journey, dwelling on the past is the only thing you can really do to keep your sanity. It is needed. It is useful. You will be flooded with nostalgia. Memories good and bad will not leave you alone. Don't ignore this step in the process. Don't fight it. Use your reflecting time as an anchor to help you rebuild. Remember that successful people usually have a lot of failures in their life first. That's how they're successful; they learned from their mistakes.

Remember that it won't always be this painful. Take it from someone who understands. You're a precious child of God. You're an overcomer.

"The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit."-Psalm 34:18