"Not me, Lord. Please, not me."
"Are you really there? I've always been told you care. And I thought I believed that. But this... How can this be good?"
"I know I'm not perfect. But I'm trying Father. I'm trying to be who you want me to be. Do you see me down here? I can't live with this pain. I can't do it by myself. Please, help me."
Have you ever uttered similar words in the dead of night as tears streamed down your face?
This was me almost 4 years ago on one of my darkest nights. I have never felt so alone as I did that night. Everything in my life seemed to come crashing down in a matter of days, and I was forever scarred. I consider myself to be a pretty private person. But this... this was public, just out there for everyone in my circle to see. My scars were visible.
Not me, Lord.
Months of praying and dozens of devotional books later, I still couldn't comprehend that my life was in shambles or find a way to get out of the mess I was in. Was it because I wasn't a "good enough" Christian? Or on the contrary, was this a response of the enemy to try to break me down because I was doing what was right?
Not me Lord...
Where did God fit in to this situation? Could it be that God was saying no to my hopes and dreams to bring me to a new place that was much better suited for me?
I don't pretend to know exactly how God works, but I do know from the story of Job that Satan was directly involved in Job's trials and yet, God allowed it all for Job's good. God uses our darkest moments to teach us our most needed lessons. I needed to know that I was loved by Him, even when I felt rejected by people. I needed to learn that death is a part of life in order to renew my passion for His kingdom. I needed to feel lonely so that I would stop depending on family, friends or people in general to fill the holes only He was meant to fill. I needed the storm to surround me so that I could appreciate the power in the phrase, "peace, be still."
You may be uttering these words right now. Not me, Lord. Maybe you're in a place you never wanted to be. Can I encourage you to let Him show you the purpose behind the pain?
Sometimes the purpose isn't grand. It doesn't always result in a beautifully crafted plan that falls into place at the right moment. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesnt. Yet, there IS purpose in our pain.
Even if the only thing your pain teaches you in this life is that this life has problems, it has served it's purpose to remind you that Heaven is worth striving for.
We have a good Father. A Father that loves us. Everything He orchestrates in our life is for our good. There's an old phrase, "if God brings you to it, He can bring you through it."
Can I encourage you to change one word in this cry we so often make? What I'm suggesting is really bold, and may seem a little bit crazy. But stick with me. Instead of begging "not me, Lord," let's submit our will to His and simply say, "yes me, Lord."
Yes to anything that helps us grow. Yes to anything that brings us closer to Him. Yes, even to pain in this life so our hope can be in Him instead.
I can honestly say that when I've had this perspective, I've always found purpose behind my pain. And guess what, there really is Joy on the other side of trials.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."- James 1:2-4
