Okay, so let's get down to some self reflection. Am I the only one that while going through a trial ends up in several pity parties, guest list of one?
Somehow I doubt it. It's human nature to feel sorry for ourselves when life isn't turning out quite right. It's so easy to get down and depressed when our souls are hurting. And while I won't go into why this mentality is destructive to our faith and our lives, I do want to address some ways I've learned to avoid it. Not that I've always followed these things. Don't misunderstand me. Lots of late nights crying floods of tears feeling sorry for myself have been shed in the past.
In the last post I suggested 5 things that people sometimes say to those going through divorce that don't come across as intended. But the responsibility goes both ways. Those going through divorce (or any trial) do not get a pass to act however they feel or say whatever they want because they are hurting. You will hurt relationships that way, and possibly friendships. So, here are 5 things I believe you should do while going through divorce (or any trial).
5. Count your blessings
I know, this sounds very vague and unhelpful. But stay with me. If you are to avoid feeling sorry for yourself and find growth as a person and more importantly a Christian, you need to remind yourself of God's goodness. It can be as simple as being thankful for a smile across your child's face, or cooler weather that puts you in the holiday spirit. Anything goes. Because when we realize that everything, EVERYTHING is a gift, we start to sift our focus away from self and gain perspective that will carry us through the hard times. This is not easy to do at first. It's not easy to consciously thank God for things that seem trivial compared to the mountain your climbing. Do it anyway.
4. Serve others
When dealing with grief and pain and trials, and specifically divorce, it's easy to forget our mission as Christians is to serve like Christ. Everything becomes so self centered without even realizing it. But people are still sick, families still lose loved ones, and there are countless opportunities out there to serve others.
Don't misunderstand me. I think there is a time to step back and sit at the feet of Jesus for a while. There is a time to rest in His arms and let Him carry you through the storm. Divorce is a big one, and you won't always have a full cup ready to be poured out into others. But try to want to.
Because there is plenty of opportunity out there to minister, and when you're focused on helping others, there is no time for pity parties.
3. Let others help you
While you don't want to become entitled with a victim mentality, it also takes humility to admit that you do need help, prayers, support, etc. Don't be so filled with pride that you deny others the opportunity to help you out in your time of need.
When I have needed it the most, God's people have shown me so much grace, support and love. I have been helped financially, in counseling, as well as just phone calls or texts. Shutting the world out, and especially God's people will not benefit you spiritually. To everything there is a season. Sometimes that season is to receive blessings from others. Let them help you.
2. Be a student of life
No one is perfect and we will make mistakes. Learn from them. Trials will come. People will disappoint. Hardships are inevitable. But having an attitude that is quick to apply the lessons this life can teach will help you in your journey of becoming more Christ like.
They say the best lessons we can learn are during the hard times of life, and I have found that to be true. But it's so easy sometimes to refuse to listen. It's easy to want to just assume life is getting us down for no good reason. But it's not. God always has a plan to use our trials for His Glory.
And lastly,
1. Let it go
Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the pain. Forgive where it is needed. Extend Grace wherever possible. Don't let your divorce define you for the rest of your life.
Healing takes time, I know this to be true. But focus your energy on letting the past stay in the past and you will find healing much quicker.
It's amazing how different I am now than even a year ago. But this concept of letting go still gets me sometimes. It's a constant, every day intention on my part to take my thoughts captive and leave the negativity behind.
Your relationship status changed. Your value or worth in the eyes of your Father did not.
So let go of your anger, your resentment, and anything else that holds you back.
Did I mention forgiveness? It's not just saying the words. It's an action. It's intentional thinking. But if you cannot forgive those that have wronged you, God will not forgive you. (Matt 6:15)
I know it's a struggle. I still deal with having to forgive offenses on a daily basis. It's a shame to have to admit that. But sometimes forgiveness is really, really hard. I don't pretend to have this thing all figured out. But I know my duty as a child of God is to work on it daily.
Let it go, and trust God that He is taking care of you, slowly creating in you a clean heart.
Remember, He has already overcome the world. (John 16:33)
With love,
Mel
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
5 things you shouldn't say to someone going through a divorce
I've had a few people ask me from time to time to share from my experience some things that either helped, or hurt during the divorce process. I've had a hard time characterizing, or coming up with real set of specifics, because I believe each situation is different, each divorce is different, every personality is different... etc. Plus, writing anything down in a blog is so public, and it might come across like I'm singling people out (even if I don't mention names) and I'd NEVER want to do that. But with that said, I do have a few... shall we say pet peeves? A few things that are meant with all the love and good intentions in the world, but on the receiving end don't always translate as "helpful." So in the spirit of sharing to help us all in our walks, here are a few of the top things I believe we shouldn't say to someone going through a divorce.
5. You're better off without them.
This one may very well be true, but what might come across as a boost of confidence for someone breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, does not translate the same to someone going through divorce. In the first case, it is an encouragement that the decision to part is keeping them from getting into a negative situation, or stopping them from making a mistake. It's almost empowering. But when it comes to divorce, you aren't keeping anyone from making a mistake.. instead it insinuates that you think they already did. And again, while that may even be true, you must remember that divorce breaks up a whole being into two very broken halfs. The one going through it doesn't feel better off, and doesn't want to think about being better off without their other half. It's just a phrase that is too soon to say.
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
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