5. You're better off without them.
This one may very well be true, but what might come across as a boost of confidence for someone breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, does not translate the same to someone going through divorce. In the first case, it is an encouragement that the decision to part is keeping them from getting into a negative situation, or stopping them from making a mistake. It's almost empowering. But when it comes to divorce, you aren't keeping anyone from making a mistake.. instead it insinuates that you think they already did. And again, while that may even be true, you must remember that divorce breaks up a whole being into two very broken halfs. The one going through it doesn't feel better off, and doesn't want to think about being better off without their other half. It's just a phrase that is too soon to say.
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
#5 & #3 come from a position of arrogance.
ReplyDelete#4 has no guarantee. Sometimes things get very much worse.
About #2, if the asker is a close friend or family, you could answer as if the question were, “Where are the kids emotionally?” Otherwise, you could ask how that’s their concern.
About #1, kids will very likely carry a lot of anger into their adulthood. Mine did. Today is his 34th birthday.
Someone who agrees with ya,
Dale Danser