Control

I don't know about anyone else, perhaps I am alone on an island with this, (doubtful) but... I like to feel like I am in control of my circumstances. I mean, not like... in a dominating personality-have-to-have-the-last-say kind of way, just... in general I don't like to feel like my life is in total chaos. I like to feel that I control the chaos, at the very least.

I fight this need for control on a daily basis; constantly striving to strike the balance between owning my decisions and responsibilities and understanding that life is bigger than me and much of the time out of my control.

I was reminded of this again this week when my daughter got the norovirus...again. This was the third short round of "laying on the bathroom floor" that my children have gone through in less than a month. It was the third round of "wash all the sheets whether they need it or not;" the third round of "bleach all the things."

As a former homeschooler with a sense of humor, I'd like to be able to blame the public school system and their germs as the reason my kids have been sick. But of course the truth is, germs are everywhere, and there's no telling where they got them.

(As I'm sitting here writing this, I am remembering that I have written on the stomach virus before.. a couple years ago when we missed our family Thanksgiving thanks to this bug. You can find that post HERE

Two years is enough time to go by before talking about vomit again, right?)

Anywho... The last few months- #honestytime- have been pretty stressful for me. I have so many goals for myself and my family that I am working hard to achieve and several of life's little stresses have messed up my plans.

I have prayed, I have begged and cried out to God to help me accomplish some of these life goals I'm working so hard for. And time and time again something happens to push those goals back.

Well, after two rounds of this stomach flu (1 for each kid) and all that goes with that- missing work, extra housework, etc- I was not expecting this third round. I didn't see it coming.

But, as with anything in life, once it happened, we just jumped into survival mode and worked it out. (Thank God for family who understands my circumstances and is always so willing to jump in and help, even at the risk of germs.)

I've learned a great lesson through the years about control, and it's never fresher on my mind than when life has to stop for a couple days to get passed a stomach bug.

Just like we never know or have real control over when a virus will strike... we don't have control over other, more important aspects of life. We are victims of time and chance.

But you know what? When you realize and accept this lack of control, you get a real peace in your soul that is beyond any other feeling. I mean... no more worrying, no more stressing.. no more overthinking... just rest in the knowledge that someone bigger and smarter is working it all out.

Sadly, a virus like the stomach flu, or even influenza or whatever it may be is one of the only times I actually tend to slow down in life.

I mean, there is school for kids, work for me, housework, cooking, laundry... church activities, extended family activities, and on and on.. there is not enough time in a week for everything.. But when a virus hits, it is like a vacation from all those things...

Yes, you miss out on church services, or work, or school... But you gain a day (or two) of rest from life. I have learned through the years to appreciate that time. I suppose time and chance is really all that is responsible for it, but sometimes I'd like to think it's God's way of slowing me down for a bit.

Because it's in these times that I am home mothering a sick child that I am able to think, reflect and pray in a quiet that is rare in our house. And it is in these moments that He softly whispers to me, "I have everything under control. Give your burden to me."

That's right... I can't control what any given day, week or year will look like.. but He can, and does. He uses all that I face on a daily basis as an opportunity for me to grow.

So I reach into my pockets, grab my need for control and give it to Him. I then sit and rest in His presence, and trust that He understands my concerns, needs and desires even better than I do.

He is my provider. He is all I need in the driver's seat. It's okay that I'm not in control, because I know that He is.

The joy in being a "boy mom"

Hot wheels cars and legos all over the floor, super hero action figures in the bath, couches that serve as platforms to fly into the air and do a super cool stunt... just a few of the things I love about being a boy mom.

I love it because watching his imagination from a toddler until now has been pure joy.

But that joy has come with a few times of "get off the couch like that," "you are not a monkey," and "didn't I tell you to pick up these legos?" as you grab your barefoot that just stepped on them..

Being a boy mom has been so much fun. Seeing adventure through his eyes has brought the kid out in me ever since he was born. I have been a horse on my hands and knees underneath a cowboy. I have thrown him in the air on my feet as he pretends to be an airplane. I have fought and lost to a superhero. I've raced hot wheels cars across the house. And yes, I've made several legos sets from start to finish. #likeaboss

I remember when he was first born, looking at his sweet sleeping face and realizing I was in love. Every sound he made, every little smile... they all just melted my heart.

There is just nothing better in life than little boy snuggles. And oh the times his little three year old arms would reach around me and protectively grab my shoulder as if to tell the world, "she is mine."

I will never forget all the times I have gotten proposed to by a toddler.

These days I look at my son and I see something different. He is no longer a baby, but a boy. He doesn't have a baby look to him anymore. He is losing his baby charm. Now, I see a young man that is active, strong, and independent. Oh he still has several years to go before he is grown... but it is coming quicker than I would like.

You see, being a boy mom has been almost all joy... But there is this one little thing.

Someday I have to give him away.

Someday I won't be the one that gets all his kisses. Someday I may have to beg for a hug. Someday he will stop coming to my room at night telling me about his bad dream.

Someday I'll dance with him to our song and he'll be taller than me. Broader than me. Stronger than me.

Someday he'll go off to start his own family, and he will have a different girl in his life.

Oh, I'll always be his mom. But I will have to step back, and let another woman finish raising him. I'll have to let her take care of him, love him, and become his number one.

I'll have to settle for second place in his heart. I know this day is coming. I know this will be the normal, natural process of life. But I know my mama heart will hurt just a little when it happens. In the meantime I'll teach him to be a gentleman. I'll teach him to be kind. I'll tell him real men work hard to provide and care for their families. I'll do my best to raise him to be the kind of man God wants him to be, and the kind of man that woman who will take my place will need.

For now, I'll treasure these little boy grins. Because before I know it, he'll be all grown up, and leave my nest to build one for her. And that's okay, I suppose.

The joy in being a "girl mom"

I looked at my daughter yesterday, half grown.... and remembered when she fit in my arms and I sang her to sleep.

Having a daughter has been and is one of the hardest challenges of my young life. I was just 22 the day she was born, and I had no idea what the next ten years would bring.

Her favorite show as a little tot was The Backyardigans... then it was Dora the Explorer. I celebrated many times as Map and Backpack helped Dora with whatever adventure she was on.

My daughter became my immediate best friend; following me around, wanting to help cook, help with baby brother, help with the cleaning, cuddle and watch mommy's show with me... I never lacked for her company in those days.

Those days..... Sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my younger self how much she would treasure them later on. Because those days of toddler hood, well, they were long. They were hard. They were full of tears. Sometimes she cried too.

But those days are precious memories that I keep close to my heart. I'll never forget when she put on my heels and pranced around or when she wore a crown on her head for days because she was a princess.

The laughter, the giggles, the poses when the camera came out, and the hugs... oh, the sweet, little girl hugs. I will treasure those days.

I looked at my daughter yesterday, half grown... and thought about who she will become.

I hope she is strong. I hope she is confident. I hope she is kind.

I pray she is spiritual. I pray she is humble. I pray she is fiercely loyal.

I hope she sees nothing but good days, but I know the reality is she will face hard ones. I hope she has the faith to see those days through, and the wisdom to know who gets her through them.

I hope she always knows that I am here to offer encouragement and love. But I hope she understands her own ability to live her life and make her own choices.

I hope she makes good ones.

I pray for the woman my daughter will become. This world is crazy, and she will one day navigate it under a roof that is not mine. I pray she looks to God as the Lord of her life.

Being a mom to an emotional, beautiful girl has had it's challenges, and I know there will be more.

When she hurts, I hurt. I know there may be broken hearts in her future. What teenage girl doesn't experience at least a little pain? But I'll be right there with chocolate and a chick flick. I will be a listening ear if she chooses to let me hear her thoughts. Yeah, there is probably some pain ahead. But I am ready for the years to come. Because suddenly they don't seem long anymore. The years are flying by.

Having a daughter has been deeply rewarding. I am after all, raising my best friend. She may not follow me around the same way anymore, or offer to help clean (ha!) but we are ever learning to connect in new ways. I hope we remain close even into her adult years.

There is just nothing like the bond between mothers and daughters. #girlmom