It's not about a day, it's about moments

Hey mom. I went to see you last week, brought you flowers. Your grandkids picked them out. They really wanted to visit you.

It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.

Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.

It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.

But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.

I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.

I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.

My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.

But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.

No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.

Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.

Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.

Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.

I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...

Thank you.