When you don't know how to help

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. -Job 2:11-13

Have you ever witnessed someone in your life go through something so tough, so hard, so trying and yet... you have no idea how to help them, or what to do to ease their burden?

Everyone knows the story of Job. He seemingly had it all- family, friends, wealth, and good health. But then Satan took it all away.. He buried his children, he lost his way of living, and even his own health declined until he sat.. not knowing how he could live another day in the pain he was in.

I have witnessed health problems of friends... and had no clue how to help. I have seen church families suffer financially... and not known how to help. I have seen death come suddenly and without warning... and been unable to dry the tears of their eyes.

What do you say to someone who miscarries for the third time after years of praying for a child?

How can you relieve the pain of the widow or widower who loses a spouse unexpectedly?

Can you really do something significant enough to help ease the burden of the friend who- no matter how hard they work- always seem to find themselves on the wrong side of job cutbacks?

Job's friends take a lot of heat from us as we analyze what they said and how "unhelpful" they were to Job and his understanding of the trials before him. But honestly.... would we have known what to do or say either?

What has always stuck out to me and impressed me about his friends is simply that even though they didn't know what to do or what to say, they still took action.

How many times have I watched someone go through some sort of pain and because it was uncomfortable for me... I just let the opportunity pass by and do absolutely nothing?

These three friends got together, they made a plan, and they came to be with their friend.

The bible tells us that they just sat down beside him.. picture it in your head.. no one spoke.. they just sat together in silence because of the weight of the situation.

I suppose this hits me so close to home because I have had friends like this. Ones that have shed tears for me, that have come and spent time with me... sometimes no one said much, and sometimes they distracted me completely with something fun to go do. I know they probably had no clue how to help ease my burden, but they still took action and made me feel so loved in the hard time I was facing.

I realize this is just a small take away from the overarching principles in the book of Job, but it's a powerful reminder to me that sometimes all someone in pain really need is to know we care.

We don't have to have the perfect words that fix everything.. But by showing up when tragedy strikes, grabbing their hand, shedding a tear with them and even sitting beside them in silence for a bit- maybe, just maybe they will feel less alone.

Don't underestimate how important the little things are. The casserole dishes, the sympathy cards in the mail, the invitation to hang out. Because I promise, it means a lot to someone going through a hard time to know they are loved.

And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

The time I went to a therapist

This post is hard to write. It is sensitive to me because it is very personal. It's sensitive because I don't want anyone to feel as though I am writing something against them, or that they somehow did something wrong. None of those things are true.

But I want to write about mental health. Because I have come to believe it is so very important.

Life is hard folks. REAL life is hard.

I want to tell you that it is important to take care of your mental health. And while I'm not a Licensed Professional Counselor or anyone in the mental health field, I do have a few suggestions to help based on my own life experiences.

If you've read my blog at all, you know that I went through both marriage problems and the death of my mom in the same year. Strike that. Within a month. While the marriage problems drug out 3 and a half years before the divorce was final, I was also grieving the loss of my mom, raising two young kids and trying to get back into the working world after being a stay at home mom.

My head was constantly in a fog. Looking back I can see how far I've come, and it just reemphasizes to me how difficult my life was... because although I am out of that trial now, I can still feel the pain of it when it crosses my mind. And perhaps I always will.

I felt so alone. And I think I can safely say that this is a common feeling when you're going through something traumatic.

I tried to hide how hard it was. Oh most people knew. But over and over again I would try to smile, and act normal. Until I couldn't physically do it anymore. Then, I resorted to actual hiding.

I stopped participating in extra things that I knew I could be absent. I stopped being around people that were happy and joyful. Because it just made me feel worse.

And while thankfully I was never suicidal, I had days where I did nothing but the bare minimum. I kept my kids alive with food, let them watch TV and would read or watch with them until it was appropriate to put them down for a nap. And then I would cry and usually sleep too. I had no energy, no drive, no desire to enjoy life.

I talked to and with my closest friends, but I shut everyone else out. I hated the attention that my marriage problems brought. I hated being felt sorry for. I hated the whispers, the awkward silences when I entered a room, and the (well intention-ed) invitations to go do something. There was pretty much no winning for those that knew me. If they mentioned something about my situation, it would bring me to tears. If they didn't, I felt like they didn't care.

Of course in hindsight I can see and recognize all the ways people tried to be there for me. But just as I wouldn't have known what to do or say to someone going through such a hard time, they didn't either. We are all only human.

But that's just it. Sometimes friends don't know how to help. They want to. They try. But sometimes no matter what they do it doesn't relieve any of the pain, loneliness or stress.

One day I had had enough. I was tired of feeling so broken. So I did what up until that point I had never considered doing. I googled and found a Christian therapist and I made an appointment.

And it was just what I needed.

I cried, I vented, I told her my story. She listened. She empathized, and even got a little teary-eyed herself. She too had been through marriage problems and eventually divorced. She knew exactly what I was going through from a personal standpoint, and she had the education behind her to give me real tips on how to move forward.

One appointment. That's all it took for me. I could've gone more. It would have helped too. But that one appointment validated my feelings, and set me on a new path to take charge and control of my life. She gave me focus.

I will never underestimate the importance of mental health again. Because once again - life is hard. Whether it's grief, or job stress, or health problems, or marriage problems, or financial problems... we all face times where we feel overwhelmed with what life throws at us.

It's a human thing.

If you're in this place.. this place of confusion.. chaos.. constant exhaustion, lack of interest in life, depressed, etc...

REACH OUT.

Talk to a friend, a parent, a church leader... maybe even a mental health provider.

Find ways to get involved in daily life activities again. Push through the awkward conversations. Invite others into your home, and accept the invitations to theirs. Get involved in your church activities instead of bing-watching Netflix on a Saturday. (I know it's hard sometimes to push out of that closed off from the world feeling. But do it anyway.)

Start a journal and write down your thoughts and prayers each day or at least once a week. This habit will begin to allow you to process what you're feeling and see progress as you begin to heal.

Pray aloud, in your mind and on paper. Tell God what you're feeling, what you're wanting, what you're needing, and in time try to tell him you submit to whatever His answer is, even if it differs from your desires.

Write yourself notes and stick them where ever will most benefit you.

"I am a child of the King. Loved, exactly as I am." - stick it on the bathroom mirror.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." - stick it on the refrigerator.

"Put others before yourself. Treat people as Jesus did." - stick it on your car dashboard.

These are just examples, but you get the idea. Fill your home and life with scripture, positive self talk, etc.

Have an accountability partner. (or two, or three) Pick people that you feel comfortable sharing your life with and fully let them in to your thoughts and feelings and decision making process. Be willing to listen to advice of people who are probably seeing the situation much clearer than you while you are in it.

Let others carry your burden. This one was a hard one for me. It's why I shut a lot of people out. Because what I was feeling and going through was NOT what I wanted others to know or feel. But the reality is, we can't get through this life on our own. We need others. That's why God made more than one of us. ;)

There are a lot of good people that just don't know how to help or what you need. Communicate that need to others and you may be surprised with the outpouring you can receive.

And finally, find ways to minister to others. Do it through your church or with friends or another local charity. Find a way to donate your time, talents and perhaps money to others that need it. Being involved in the community or doing good deeds with others helps you feel apart and a sense of teamwork.

It helps. It really does.

I hope this has somehow been worth reading. I hope it's given some ideas or hope to someone going through a hard time, feeling uninterested in life or depressed.

I hope that by reading this, someone who has been feeling down and lonely decides to reach out to someone. I hope you reach out, and let others in.

Keep overcoming friends!

Lessons from a fox drawing

A few weeks back my 2nd grader came home with some art work from school. It was this fox drawing.

While I took one look and immediately knew it was refrigerator worthy, he was disappointed in it.

"My art teacher said that if we don't go home with our art, it means it's really good and might be displayed at the school. But I came home with mine," he said sadly.

You see, in our house, my 5th grader is the artist. She has been drawing recognizable things since before she was 2. It was obvious from a very young age that she had been given a natural talent, and her love for it has helped her to develop her talent for art.

My son, not so much. He was still drawing scribbles at 2. Stick people at 5, and now at 7, he still feels inadequate based on the fact that his artwork didn't get displayed at school.

But you see.... for all the reasons I have just explained, I was amazed at this little fox. I thought it was by far the best thing he had ever drawn, and I sat him down and made sure he knew it was going to be displayed here at home. Because it was an accomplishment. It was his best work. It was something to be proud of.

Because you see... as a parent, I'm not looking for perfection.. not in art or academics, and not in behavior.

Perfection is something that is impossible to reach. All I'm looking for is a heart that wants to do his or her personal best.

And a child's best work is always worth displaying on the refrigerator.

And I think that's exactly how God views us as His children. He knows we will never be perfect. And we all have different levels of abilities and natural talents. But He wants our heart.

He wants us to do what we can do, with the best of our ability. He wants us to use our natural talents and develop them further.

He wants us to take what we may think we have no talent in, and still do our best for Him.

Perfection isn't what the Father seeks. It's simply hearts that want to do our personal best, whatever that may be. So keep striving, keep walking, keep making beautiful artwork of your life for Him to see.

That will always make Him a proud parent.