Surviving divorce as a Christian-The new normal

...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.. Psalm 30:5b

As we continue to look at how to survive divorce as a Christian, let's move forward to the phase where our minds are finally able to concentrate on the present. We've been filled with questions, longings, regrets, etc from the past. We've cried until we physically ran out of tears. But somewhere along the way, we began a new normal. And getting use to it is a process in and of itself, but it's a key step to our emotional and spiritual health.

Everything is different. From finding a job if you weren't previously working, to switching jobs that will allow more time with your kids if you're a parent; income will most certainly not be the same as it was before. Assets are divided, and stress and tension are probably at an all-time high.

With kids in the picture, you will no longer be able to parent the way you did before; you won't have as much time with them because they will be split between two households. The lessons you teach your kids about sharing their toys will come back to haunt you as you have to learn to share them with their other parent in whole new ways. 

At first this new normal will cause some depression. Some is normal. But don't ever think it makes you weak if you need to talk to a professional to help you sort through the changes in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for help. 

You will crave companionship as you pull back the covers and slip into bed so emotionally and physically exhausted each night. No one said divorce and single parenthood would be easy. 

Having a good support system of family and friends who will listen when you need to vent, cry, or just share in adult conversation is a beautiful thing. I encourage you to seek out those you can trust to be your support. You will need accountability and wise counsel as you navigate the decisions that come your way.

But most importantly, through this process I learned an even bigger lesson and one I hope resonates through all of these posts.

It really is true what they say; no person on earth can fill the need inside for relationship. We all need it, because we were created for it by the creator himself. Through my lonely times I learned that God is the only one who can cure my deep need for companionship. Remember how we made a commitment to growing our faith? This is a practical step we can take. Fully, completely rely on Him. When you're stressed, confused or tired, run to Him before anyone else. Pray. Tell Him everything on your mind. As great as family is, as wonderful as it is to have friends, or as great as it would be to have a partner to go through life with, they can't take the place of relationship with the Father who knows and understands you better than you know yourself. It's time to embrace this new normal and His plan for our life.

Single parenting on a day to day basis has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But He gets me through it, and He will you too. Your new normal might be the exact place He wants you in order to build you up for the future purpose He has in mind for you.

My advice to someone getting use to this new normal is to try to appreciate the times you have to yourself. Parenting is hard, and you love your kids with all your heart. You want them with you as much as possible. But whatever the custody is, however much time you have or don't have, enjoy them while you have them and then let them enjoy their other parent. This isn't a post about co parenting, or parenting in general. I'm not an expert on the dos and dont's of coparenting with your ex. We all learn as we go, and everyone has their own unique situation when it comes to dealing with child custody and such. But remember, as much as possible, seek peace. (Rom. 12:18)

Take advantage of that time the kids are with their other parent as time for yourself to unwind and get rid of built up stress you can't show in front of the kids. Take care of yourself when you have opportunity!

Instead of focusing on how much we wish our kids were with us, or hating or being jealous of fun they have with the other parent (all natural reactions) the better answer is to be happy for the kids, and happy for the little break and alone time for yourself. Because you do need a break, stressed out single parent. You are not superman or wonder woman. We all need time to unwind.

And before long, your new normal will just be your normal. And instead of being depressed or sad, you'll begin to find happiness again. It will come. It's a wonderful feeling on the other side my friends!

Keep trusting in the One and Only. Keep on overcoming. 

-Mel 

It's not about a day, it's about moments

Hey mom. I went to see you last week, brought you flowers. Your grandkids picked them out. They really wanted to visit you.

It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.

Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.

It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.

But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.

I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.

I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.

My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.

But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.

No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.

Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.

Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.

Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.

I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...

Thank you.