Old Fashioned Parenting

I took this picture the other day. As you can see, my kitchen is nowhere near spotless. The island bar has several things on it. The stove and counter in the back both have dinner dishes spread everywhere and they definitely needed wiped down.

This is real life. This is so UN-instagram ready. But I love this picture. Because it tells a story.

This picture represents to me a moment in time that is fleeting; a moment in time so often taken for granted. My children were helping me prepare dinner. Actually, my son was creating a dessert for us... mini chocolate chips, cut up pretzel sticks and honey in a bowl. As I stood there watching them in the kitchen, I realized it may have been the first time all three of us were "cooking" dinner together. Usually one or both of them are off doing their own thing while I cook. I have my daughter help me from time to time, but both of them... I'm just not sure it had ever happened on a random evening that wasn't a holiday or special occasion. That family time together was precious. It was totally photo worthy, and it was a great reminder of the things that matter.

I want to old fashioned parent. I want more family times together, and less of each of us staring at our own screens.

More and more research comes out every year about the negative effects of screen time and technology on this generation of children. Not only in how seeing their parents on devices makes them feel less important, but spending time on these devices themselves is causing depression and loneliness in children. This generation is missing something that even my generation had; uninterrupted attention of their parents. Don't get me wrong. Every generation of parents have had their moments of being preoccupied and not tuning in to their kids. But smart phones have taken distraction to a whole new level.

But oh how difficult it is to stay away from these things in this narcissistic, instant gratification society.

That evening I made a decision. We will cook more as a family in the future. I will let them make a mess in my kitchen, even if it means more cleaning afterwards. Because those are memories we will all take with us after they are grown.

When I think about my parenting... what I feel I'm doing right, what I feel I need improvement on... I always keep a couple things in mind.

1. The goal of raising mature, Christian adults.
2. The memories of their childhood home I want them to have.

In any decision of parenting, I always try to keep the main goal in mind. But second to that is the reality that they WILL take away things from childhood- some good, some bad. I want them to remember times spent together, not time on a screen. I want them to remember living life and sharing experiences, not creating virtual ones alone in their bedroom.

This post isn't really about social media or technology... I'll step off my soapbox now.. But just a reminder to myself to not zone out in the evenings. I want to find these perfectly imperfect moments of child rearing- like messes in the kitchen- and cherish them. To encourage creativity in my children. To laugh together often. Because I'm as guilty as anyone to be that distracted parent always scrolling through social media on my phone instead of being present with the people in the room.

There was a time when I took a hard look at our household and saw that while we didn't have any major conflicts, we also lacked joy and laughter. I worked on that in 2018. A lot.

And now it's time to think about 2019. I just want to create memories this year that they will remember for always. I want them to remember that their mother cared to spend quality time with them. I want them to feel more important than my emails, or facebook.

I want to slow down time and not feel so rushed all the time. I want family dinners and reading scripture around the living room. I want I Love Lucy reruns. I want to enjoy these ordinary moments while they are here.

Because one day... they won't be. And whether good or bad, the things they experienced in my home will shape how they view the world. It's such a scary, sobering thought.

2019 will be here before we know it. And this year I am refocusing again. This year I plan to create memories, laugh, love, and enjoy life. Less frivolous, time wasting activities, and more family time with intention to teach the Godly lessons I want them to learn. I'm calling it old fashioned parenting. And I think it's what this attention starved generation of children need. Who is with me?

He never failed me yet

Let me tell you about what I hope will be the worst year of my life.

2013 I was a stay at home mom to a 4 and 1 year old. They would turn 5 and 2 during the summer. By April my marriage was obviously in trouble. In May my mom and younger siblings were in a car accident that ended in her sudden death.

Both of those things stand out to me as being extremely significant in getting me to where I am today.

Because I had marriage problems, I put my mothers death and my grief on hold. As big of a deal as it was, it took second place to trying to fix my marriage.

But I was so very alone.

No one else in my circle of friends and family had faced what I was facing. My immediate family were all grieving the accident that took my mom, so I didn't want to burden them with my problems. I really only talked to my older sister, and sister in law. For the most part I suffered in silence.

I've discussed a little of this in previous blogs. That was a very low point in my life. I questioned God, I questioned my faith, I prayed like never before and studied like never before.

And still... nothing changed. My marriage continued to slowly die over the next 3 years. Nothing changed. Except me.

Sometimes when people go through hard times, or something extremely traumatic, they get stuck mentally and emotionally. They find it hard to move past those events.

I get it. I have struggled myself. But I don't talk about my hard times or struggles because I'm stuck emotionally; I talk about them because I'm proof of a God that never fails His children. These events have become a big part of my testimony, and why I am passionate about God today.

Let me tell you about 2018. I started the year studying for a certification exam and passed it in March, becoming a certified professional coder. That's fancy words for "I take what the doctor does with a patient and turn it into a billable code so the insurance company will pay it." It may not sound like much, and in the big scheme of careers and education it's not, but it was a huge step and accomplishment for me because of where the last five years have taken me. I have now been working at the same company for 3 years. This year I have taken on much more responsibility, which I love. I am a divorced mom of two beautiful kids, but for the most part I get along with their dad, and we've found a good routine of co-parenting. I have been able to open up more to friends and family and let them into my heart, and so I'm feeling much less alone. In fact, I know I'm NOT alone.

This Thanksgiving as I thought about everything I am thankful for, I just couldn't help comparing where I've been with where I am now. God has brought me through some dark times, and given me a life that I absolutely love. I am living proof of His faithfulness.

So where am I going with this?

Well, I have had several holiday seasons in the last few years where I struggled to be thankful and joyful because I was in the midst of a storm. Those holidays were hard. And maybe that's where you're at. Maybe you're struggling. Maybe your problems are public knowledge, or maybe they are hidden and no one realizes you're suffering. Either way, it can make the holiday season a difficult one.

I know what it's like to feel alone, and it's not a good feeling. So I beg you to please reach out. Tell someone. Ask for help. Ask for prayer. Ask for accountability. Let someone into your heart and struggles. You don't have to go through any trial alone. Most of all draw closer to God. Don't underestimate the power of prayer.

Sometimes we don't see immediate changes. I know I didn't. Sometimes they aren't so tangible. Sometimes we have to step back and look at the big picture to see where we were and where we are now. But God is faithful. He may not answer our prayers the way we want, but rest assured that He answers them. In 2013 I prayed for a healed marriage. In 2018 I thank God for the way He answered those prayers because He knew far better than me what I needed.

I hope a little of my story has been encouraging. I hope it speaks to His Grace. As always, this blog is meant to be real about life, but also to renew that overcomer spirit in all of us. If God be for us, who can be against us?

We are not alone. He is faithful, and will not fail His children. No matter what tomorrow may hold, I know He'll be by my side. And He will stay by yours too. Rest in that promise.