New Things Coming

Hello Overcomer friends,

It's been way too long since I have posted. Truth is I do have three or four "draft" posts that I just haven't felt it was the right time to publish and share. Maybe someday I will get around to finishing them up and putting them out for you to read. I have been so busy the last several months that I've hardly had time to write. But, that stops now..

Why have I been so busy? Well, to start off last summer I married a wonderful man. Since then it has just been one change after another as we adjust to married and blended family life. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to have been given this man to share the rest of my life with. The Father truly took what was a very rough 6 years of my life and restored it by giving me someone who loves me and supports me unconditionally despite all the scars that those years left behind. But, that's a sappy post for another time.. 😏

The last few months I have been in a little bit of a fog. Work and family life have kept me on my toes and at times pretty overwhelmed. The holidays came and went with a lot of sickness that clouded the Joy of the season.

Then came the new year. I always evaluate where I am spiritually, emotionally, career and goal wise when starting a new year. But this one was a rough one. Y'all.... I felt broken. I felt overwhelmed. I felt like my life was just slipping by outside of my control. What I mean by that is this. I work full time, I do my best to parent full time, and the last few months we have had before school activities, after school activities, work in between, then there's dinner, housework, and bedtime routines. I just haven't felt that my time, talents and treasure have been spent in the way I really would like them to be spent. If it weren't for the fact that we are made to breathe without thinking about it, well... I would have died a long time ago because I have too much on my mind to remember to inhale and exhale.

I was disappointed in myself for all the things I want to do but hadn't prioritized. I decided I spend WAY too much time on my phone. My spiritual life has suffered as I had been too "busy" to read the bible daily.

Just... so many things I knew I wanted to be different in 2020.

So I made some goals. I refocused. And while January and February are always the longest months of the year with the cold, rainy weather and very little sunshine... I knew I couldn't continue in my emotional fog anymore.

It's been a self reflecting journey, but my new goals are becoming clearer with each day. Spiritually I am refocused. My parenting is refocused. And my career goals are refocused. I want to continue to write, write, write... whether it's on this blog or somewhere else. I'm ready to take my hobby to the next step.

So, announcement coming... New things in store this year. Be watching for updates on what I am working on. I'm so excited to see where the future takes me.

Because I'm learning that sometimes the biggest obstacle you have to overcome is your own self doubt.

-Mel

When you don't know how to help

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. -Job 2:11-13

Have you ever witnessed someone in your life go through something so tough, so hard, so trying and yet... you have no idea how to help them, or what to do to ease their burden?

Everyone knows the story of Job. He seemingly had it all- family, friends, wealth, and good health. But then Satan took it all away.. He buried his children, he lost his way of living, and even his own health declined until he sat.. not knowing how he could live another day in the pain he was in.

I have witnessed health problems of friends... and had no clue how to help. I have seen church families suffer financially... and not known how to help. I have seen death come suddenly and without warning... and been unable to dry the tears of their eyes.

What do you say to someone who miscarries for the third time after years of praying for a child?

How can you relieve the pain of the widow or widower who loses a spouse unexpectedly?

Can you really do something significant enough to help ease the burden of the friend who- no matter how hard they work- always seem to find themselves on the wrong side of job cutbacks?

Job's friends take a lot of heat from us as we analyze what they said and how "unhelpful" they were to Job and his understanding of the trials before him. But honestly.... would we have known what to do or say either?

What has always stuck out to me and impressed me about his friends is simply that even though they didn't know what to do or what to say, they still took action.

How many times have I watched someone go through some sort of pain and because it was uncomfortable for me... I just let the opportunity pass by and do absolutely nothing?

These three friends got together, they made a plan, and they came to be with their friend.

The bible tells us that they just sat down beside him.. picture it in your head.. no one spoke.. they just sat together in silence because of the weight of the situation.

I suppose this hits me so close to home because I have had friends like this. Ones that have shed tears for me, that have come and spent time with me... sometimes no one said much, and sometimes they distracted me completely with something fun to go do. I know they probably had no clue how to help ease my burden, but they still took action and made me feel so loved in the hard time I was facing.

I realize this is just a small take away from the overarching principles in the book of Job, but it's a powerful reminder to me that sometimes all someone in pain really need is to know we care.

We don't have to have the perfect words that fix everything.. But by showing up when tragedy strikes, grabbing their hand, shedding a tear with them and even sitting beside them in silence for a bit- maybe, just maybe they will feel less alone.

Don't underestimate how important the little things are. The casserole dishes, the sympathy cards in the mail, the invitation to hang out. Because I promise, it means a lot to someone going through a hard time to know they are loved.

And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.

The time I went to a therapist

This post is hard to write. It is sensitive to me because it is very personal. It's sensitive because I don't want anyone to feel as though I am writing something against them, or that they somehow did something wrong. None of those things are true.

But I want to write about mental health. Because I have come to believe it is so very important.

Life is hard folks. REAL life is hard.

I want to tell you that it is important to take care of your mental health. And while I'm not a Licensed Professional Counselor or anyone in the mental health field, I do have a few suggestions to help based on my own life experiences.

If you've read my blog at all, you know that I went through both marriage problems and the death of my mom in the same year. Strike that. Within a month. While the marriage problems drug out 3 and a half years before the divorce was final, I was also grieving the loss of my mom, raising two young kids and trying to get back into the working world after being a stay at home mom.

My head was constantly in a fog. Looking back I can see how far I've come, and it just reemphasizes to me how difficult my life was... because although I am out of that trial now, I can still feel the pain of it when it crosses my mind. And perhaps I always will.

I felt so alone. And I think I can safely say that this is a common feeling when you're going through something traumatic.

I tried to hide how hard it was. Oh most people knew. But over and over again I would try to smile, and act normal. Until I couldn't physically do it anymore. Then, I resorted to actual hiding.

I stopped participating in extra things that I knew I could be absent. I stopped being around people that were happy and joyful. Because it just made me feel worse.

And while thankfully I was never suicidal, I had days where I did nothing but the bare minimum. I kept my kids alive with food, let them watch TV and would read or watch with them until it was appropriate to put them down for a nap. And then I would cry and usually sleep too. I had no energy, no drive, no desire to enjoy life.

I talked to and with my closest friends, but I shut everyone else out. I hated the attention that my marriage problems brought. I hated being felt sorry for. I hated the whispers, the awkward silences when I entered a room, and the (well intention-ed) invitations to go do something. There was pretty much no winning for those that knew me. If they mentioned something about my situation, it would bring me to tears. If they didn't, I felt like they didn't care.

Of course in hindsight I can see and recognize all the ways people tried to be there for me. But just as I wouldn't have known what to do or say to someone going through such a hard time, they didn't either. We are all only human.

But that's just it. Sometimes friends don't know how to help. They want to. They try. But sometimes no matter what they do it doesn't relieve any of the pain, loneliness or stress.

One day I had had enough. I was tired of feeling so broken. So I did what up until that point I had never considered doing. I googled and found a Christian therapist and I made an appointment.

And it was just what I needed.

I cried, I vented, I told her my story. She listened. She empathized, and even got a little teary-eyed herself. She too had been through marriage problems and eventually divorced. She knew exactly what I was going through from a personal standpoint, and she had the education behind her to give me real tips on how to move forward.

One appointment. That's all it took for me. I could've gone more. It would have helped too. But that one appointment validated my feelings, and set me on a new path to take charge and control of my life. She gave me focus.

I will never underestimate the importance of mental health again. Because once again - life is hard. Whether it's grief, or job stress, or health problems, or marriage problems, or financial problems... we all face times where we feel overwhelmed with what life throws at us.

It's a human thing.

If you're in this place.. this place of confusion.. chaos.. constant exhaustion, lack of interest in life, depressed, etc...

REACH OUT.

Talk to a friend, a parent, a church leader... maybe even a mental health provider.

Find ways to get involved in daily life activities again. Push through the awkward conversations. Invite others into your home, and accept the invitations to theirs. Get involved in your church activities instead of bing-watching Netflix on a Saturday. (I know it's hard sometimes to push out of that closed off from the world feeling. But do it anyway.)

Start a journal and write down your thoughts and prayers each day or at least once a week. This habit will begin to allow you to process what you're feeling and see progress as you begin to heal.

Pray aloud, in your mind and on paper. Tell God what you're feeling, what you're wanting, what you're needing, and in time try to tell him you submit to whatever His answer is, even if it differs from your desires.

Write yourself notes and stick them where ever will most benefit you.

"I am a child of the King. Loved, exactly as I am." - stick it on the bathroom mirror.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." - stick it on the refrigerator.

"Put others before yourself. Treat people as Jesus did." - stick it on your car dashboard.

These are just examples, but you get the idea. Fill your home and life with scripture, positive self talk, etc.

Have an accountability partner. (or two, or three) Pick people that you feel comfortable sharing your life with and fully let them in to your thoughts and feelings and decision making process. Be willing to listen to advice of people who are probably seeing the situation much clearer than you while you are in it.

Let others carry your burden. This one was a hard one for me. It's why I shut a lot of people out. Because what I was feeling and going through was NOT what I wanted others to know or feel. But the reality is, we can't get through this life on our own. We need others. That's why God made more than one of us. ;)

There are a lot of good people that just don't know how to help or what you need. Communicate that need to others and you may be surprised with the outpouring you can receive.

And finally, find ways to minister to others. Do it through your church or with friends or another local charity. Find a way to donate your time, talents and perhaps money to others that need it. Being involved in the community or doing good deeds with others helps you feel apart and a sense of teamwork.

It helps. It really does.

I hope this has somehow been worth reading. I hope it's given some ideas or hope to someone going through a hard time, feeling uninterested in life or depressed.

I hope that by reading this, someone who has been feeling down and lonely decides to reach out to someone. I hope you reach out, and let others in.

Keep overcoming friends!

Lessons from a fox drawing

A few weeks back my 2nd grader came home with some art work from school. It was this fox drawing.

While I took one look and immediately knew it was refrigerator worthy, he was disappointed in it.

"My art teacher said that if we don't go home with our art, it means it's really good and might be displayed at the school. But I came home with mine," he said sadly.

You see, in our house, my 5th grader is the artist. She has been drawing recognizable things since before she was 2. It was obvious from a very young age that she had been given a natural talent, and her love for it has helped her to develop her talent for art.

My son, not so much. He was still drawing scribbles at 2. Stick people at 5, and now at 7, he still feels inadequate based on the fact that his artwork didn't get displayed at school.

But you see.... for all the reasons I have just explained, I was amazed at this little fox. I thought it was by far the best thing he had ever drawn, and I sat him down and made sure he knew it was going to be displayed here at home. Because it was an accomplishment. It was his best work. It was something to be proud of.

Because you see... as a parent, I'm not looking for perfection.. not in art or academics, and not in behavior.

Perfection is something that is impossible to reach. All I'm looking for is a heart that wants to do his or her personal best.

And a child's best work is always worth displaying on the refrigerator.

And I think that's exactly how God views us as His children. He knows we will never be perfect. And we all have different levels of abilities and natural talents. But He wants our heart.

He wants us to do what we can do, with the best of our ability. He wants us to use our natural talents and develop them further.

He wants us to take what we may think we have no talent in, and still do our best for Him.

Perfection isn't what the Father seeks. It's simply hearts that want to do our personal best, whatever that may be. So keep striving, keep walking, keep making beautiful artwork of your life for Him to see.

That will always make Him a proud parent.

Old Fashioned Parenting

I took this picture the other day. As you can see, my kitchen is nowhere near spotless. The island bar has several things on it. The stove and counter in the back both have dinner dishes spread everywhere and they definitely needed wiped down.

This is real life. This is so UN-instagram ready. But I love this picture. Because it tells a story.

This picture represents to me a moment in time that is fleeting; a moment in time so often taken for granted. My children were helping me prepare dinner. Actually, my son was creating a dessert for us... mini chocolate chips, cut up pretzel sticks and honey in a bowl. As I stood there watching them in the kitchen, I realized it may have been the first time all three of us were "cooking" dinner together. Usually one or both of them are off doing their own thing while I cook. I have my daughter help me from time to time, but both of them... I'm just not sure it had ever happened on a random evening that wasn't a holiday or special occasion. That family time together was precious. It was totally photo worthy, and it was a great reminder of the things that matter.

I want to old fashioned parent. I want more family times together, and less of each of us staring at our own screens.

More and more research comes out every year about the negative effects of screen time and technology on this generation of children. Not only in how seeing their parents on devices makes them feel less important, but spending time on these devices themselves is causing depression and loneliness in children. This generation is missing something that even my generation had; uninterrupted attention of their parents. Don't get me wrong. Every generation of parents have had their moments of being preoccupied and not tuning in to their kids. But smart phones have taken distraction to a whole new level.

But oh how difficult it is to stay away from these things in this narcissistic, instant gratification society.

That evening I made a decision. We will cook more as a family in the future. I will let them make a mess in my kitchen, even if it means more cleaning afterwards. Because those are memories we will all take with us after they are grown.

When I think about my parenting... what I feel I'm doing right, what I feel I need improvement on... I always keep a couple things in mind.

1. The goal of raising mature, Christian adults.
2. The memories of their childhood home I want them to have.

In any decision of parenting, I always try to keep the main goal in mind. But second to that is the reality that they WILL take away things from childhood- some good, some bad. I want them to remember times spent together, not time on a screen. I want them to remember living life and sharing experiences, not creating virtual ones alone in their bedroom.

This post isn't really about social media or technology... I'll step off my soapbox now.. But just a reminder to myself to not zone out in the evenings. I want to find these perfectly imperfect moments of child rearing- like messes in the kitchen- and cherish them. To encourage creativity in my children. To laugh together often. Because I'm as guilty as anyone to be that distracted parent always scrolling through social media on my phone instead of being present with the people in the room.

There was a time when I took a hard look at our household and saw that while we didn't have any major conflicts, we also lacked joy and laughter. I worked on that in 2018. A lot.

And now it's time to think about 2019. I just want to create memories this year that they will remember for always. I want them to remember that their mother cared to spend quality time with them. I want them to feel more important than my emails, or facebook.

I want to slow down time and not feel so rushed all the time. I want family dinners and reading scripture around the living room. I want I Love Lucy reruns. I want to enjoy these ordinary moments while they are here.

Because one day... they won't be. And whether good or bad, the things they experienced in my home will shape how they view the world. It's such a scary, sobering thought.

2019 will be here before we know it. And this year I am refocusing again. This year I plan to create memories, laugh, love, and enjoy life. Less frivolous, time wasting activities, and more family time with intention to teach the Godly lessons I want them to learn. I'm calling it old fashioned parenting. And I think it's what this attention starved generation of children need. Who is with me?

He never failed me yet

Let me tell you about what I hope will be the worst year of my life.

2013 I was a stay at home mom to a 4 and 1 year old. They would turn 5 and 2 during the summer. By April my marriage was obviously in trouble. In May my mom and younger siblings were in a car accident that ended in her sudden death.

Both of those things stand out to me as being extremely significant in getting me to where I am today.

Because I had marriage problems, I put my mothers death and my grief on hold. As big of a deal as it was, it took second place to trying to fix my marriage.

But I was so very alone.

No one else in my circle of friends and family had faced what I was facing. My immediate family were all grieving the accident that took my mom, so I didn't want to burden them with my problems. I really only talked to my older sister, and sister in law. For the most part I suffered in silence.

I've discussed a little of this in previous blogs. That was a very low point in my life. I questioned God, I questioned my faith, I prayed like never before and studied like never before.

And still... nothing changed. My marriage continued to slowly die over the next 3 years. Nothing changed. Except me.

Sometimes when people go through hard times, or something extremely traumatic, they get stuck mentally and emotionally. They find it hard to move past those events.

I get it. I have struggled myself. But I don't talk about my hard times or struggles because I'm stuck emotionally; I talk about them because I'm proof of a God that never fails His children. These events have become a big part of my testimony, and why I am passionate about God today.

Let me tell you about 2018. I started the year studying for a certification exam and passed it in March, becoming a certified professional coder. That's fancy words for "I take what the doctor does with a patient and turn it into a billable code so the insurance company will pay it." It may not sound like much, and in the big scheme of careers and education it's not, but it was a huge step and accomplishment for me because of where the last five years have taken me. I have now been working at the same company for 3 years. This year I have taken on much more responsibility, which I love. I am a divorced mom of two beautiful kids, but for the most part I get along with their dad, and we've found a good routine of co-parenting. I have been able to open up more to friends and family and let them into my heart, and so I'm feeling much less alone. In fact, I know I'm NOT alone.

This Thanksgiving as I thought about everything I am thankful for, I just couldn't help comparing where I've been with where I am now. God has brought me through some dark times, and given me a life that I absolutely love. I am living proof of His faithfulness.

So where am I going with this?

Well, I have had several holiday seasons in the last few years where I struggled to be thankful and joyful because I was in the midst of a storm. Those holidays were hard. And maybe that's where you're at. Maybe you're struggling. Maybe your problems are public knowledge, or maybe they are hidden and no one realizes you're suffering. Either way, it can make the holiday season a difficult one.

I know what it's like to feel alone, and it's not a good feeling. So I beg you to please reach out. Tell someone. Ask for help. Ask for prayer. Ask for accountability. Let someone into your heart and struggles. You don't have to go through any trial alone. Most of all draw closer to God. Don't underestimate the power of prayer.

Sometimes we don't see immediate changes. I know I didn't. Sometimes they aren't so tangible. Sometimes we have to step back and look at the big picture to see where we were and where we are now. But God is faithful. He may not answer our prayers the way we want, but rest assured that He answers them. In 2013 I prayed for a healed marriage. In 2018 I thank God for the way He answered those prayers because He knew far better than me what I needed.

I hope a little of my story has been encouraging. I hope it speaks to His Grace. As always, this blog is meant to be real about life, but also to renew that overcomer spirit in all of us. If God be for us, who can be against us?

We are not alone. He is faithful, and will not fail His children. No matter what tomorrow may hold, I know He'll be by my side. And He will stay by yours too. Rest in that promise.

Autumn

And suddenly, there is change in the air. The winds pick up, the leaves turn colors. Something is happening. The temperature drops, the boots come out, and the sun disappears behind foggy clouds.

No more shorts and flip flops. No more sunshine and pool parties. Change is in the air.

Down in the Houston, TX area, Autumn doesn't follow a calendar. It comes and goes when it pleases. Some days it's here, and then it leaves and let's Summer return for a couple days before it suddenly makes another appearance.

Sometimes the temperature drop is a welcome change. Pulling out your fall sweaters and getting ready for the holidays... Autumn can be exciting.

But sometimes the lack of sunshine, the cold rain and crisp wind can be an unwelcome change. You are stuck indoors. Your immune system suffers and you end up with one cold after another. Sometimes change is bad.

Are you in an Autumn season of life? Are you experiencing the Houston version of Fall, where change just keeps coming? Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes good change. Sometimes bad change.

Pardon me for sounding like a Dr. Seuss book here, but sometimes that's how life feels. There is so much tossing to and fro.

I don't know many people that really like change. I mean, we enjoy our comfort zones. Our routines. Our normal. At the very least, we don't like negative changes.

One day you're just working and it's a normal day. The next, you're figuring out how you can help the family of a coworker who passed away. Suddenly, there is change in the air.

One day you're enjoying the beach and the waves with family and friends, and you blink and that weekend you are planning a funeral for your mom. Change.

If you are feeling these winds, rest assured you are not alone. We each face times in our lives where our normal disappears and a new normal comes in it's place. Just like the rain in early fall brings about cooler temperatures that remind you winter is coming.

Sometimes our Autumn winds of life are there to warn us that hard times may be coming.

So how do we not only survive the changes, but thrive in them?

Autumn is a season of preparing for what's coming. The trees prepare for winter by "shutting" down in a sense, which causes the leaves to change colors and fall off the branches. Birds get ready to migrate to warmer temperatures. Other animals gather food for the coming months.

God put all of it in motion. And our lives resemble this very thing from time to time. If He created it this way, then He is the one that can get you through it. Maybe the change in your life is His way of preparing you for some hard times coming up... and more importantly, the Spring time that will follow.

I know that's been the case for me. If I told you my story, it would be one of ups and downs and God in the midst of it holding me close and teaching me hard lessons I needed to learn in order to move forward with the next season of life. He has a way of doing that, you know? Using what may be painful experiences of ours to help prepare us for an opportunity in the future.

If you are feeling the crisp, cool air of change, rest assured that Winter won't last forever. Spring will come again.