*Disclaimer*
Please read and understand the spirit behind this blog series is simply to use my experiences, my story to help others going through quite possibly the hardest time in thier life. I want to be an encourager that says, you'll get through this. God will work it all out for your good. However, it is only my side of the story of my divorce and I can only speak to how I felt, what I experienced, etc. There are two sides to every story, and I will only speak to mine.
I remember when my marriage first broke up and my husband and I separated, I didn't fully understand the reality of my situation. I was in that shock mode we mentioned in the last post, http://overcomerblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/surviving-divorce-as-christian.html?m=1
I kept telling myself that we were in a fight and that was all. I loved him, he loved me, we were fine. We would work it out. For the first couple weeks I made excuses for him as to why he wasn't at our normal activities with me. "He's working," became my standard answer because it was the closest to the truth without having to admit my life was falling apart.
I'll never forget a conversation I had with my mom in those first few weeks. All I could think about is how every family has that one kid that screws up, is the black sheep, is an embarrassment, etc and I seemed to be filling that position.
"I don't want to embarrass you and dad," I told her. "I don't want to be that child."
I suppose these feelings were a mixture of embarrassment, hurt and a broken ego.
And like any good mother would, she gently scolded me and said, "Mel, we love you and are proud of you no matter what happens. You are not embarrassing us, get that out of your mind."
But at first, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Especially as our story unfolded more and more and we didn't "kiss and make up" the way I thought we would, the word failure was permenentally stamped to my forehead. It's not easy to have your life fall apart in such a public way.
The more I dwelt on the past, the more I saw my mistakes and how I hadn't treasured him, respected him, or even loved him the way I should have. I had failed in my marriage.
I imagine whether you're just separated, beginning the legal process, or finished with it and everything is supposed to magically be okay now, you probably feel like a failure too.
It almost becomes a part of you. You try not to be jealous of your friends or church members who all have "perfect" marriages (a complete falsehood by the way) but every time you see one spouse with a problem and the other spouse there to help them out, you're reminded that you failed. Failed your spouse, failed your vows, failed your children, failed your family name, failed your God.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I hear your heart crying. I know the depressing thoughts running through your head like its the wild west.
Now, let me remind you of the truth in God's word.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."-Psalm 139:14
"Why, even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are worth more than many sparrows."-Luke 12:7
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. The details of why and who did what doesn't matter. God thinks you're wonderful. He created you for a purpose and with a passion.
My advice to you when you are bogged down with regrets and mistakes you made in your marriage is to write down scripture verses that speak to God's view of you. Remind yourself that the one and only creator sent His son to die, just to have a relationship with you. Place these scriptures where you'll see them often. This is advice I was given, and I will pass it on because it helped me so much to view myself the way He viewed me.
He didn't view me as a failure, and He doesn't view you that way either. He loves you, His child. He wants the very best for you. Don't forget that.
-Mel
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