The last step in the divorce recovery process is the point at which you are able to say you are moving forward. There are so many more things we could say about divorce; so many conversations, scenarios, decisions and processes to walk through. No wonder there are so many self help and divorce recovery books out there. But sadly, not enough of them from a Christian perspective. I believe this needs to change. Do we not think that the first century church dealt with divorce? It is most certain that they did. After all, Paul wrote concerning marriage, divorce, and being single for a reason. I'm sure there were many new Christians whose spouses left them because of their faith.
Whatever the reason for your divorce, please know that you are not alone. Though in the church it still may feel like you are not the norm, (and that's a good thing! Would you really wish the pain of divorce on anyone? I think we can all agree the answer is no.) You are in great company of people from all walks of life from the new testament days until now. Divorce is not the end. There is hope in Christ.
How do you really know when you're moving forward? Believe me, there will still be many hurdles, and a constant ebb and flow of emotions. But I think when you get to a point where you can talk about the past with your children, show them pictures of you and your ex when the two of you were younger, even watch videos of you together and not feel much emotion at all- no sadness, no grief, no longing, not even a good reminiscent feeling- you are well on your way. Finally, the past becomes the past. Whether good or bad, fun memories or things you wish you could change, it just is.
I don't believe there is a real set timeframe for when this happens. Like any other form of grief and the death of hopes and dreams, everyone travels at their own pace. But with all your hope and trust in the Father, you can rest assured that He is bringing everything together for your good.
Last few thoughts on this subject- remember to extend grace to those around you who may not see your need, ask how you're doing, or even avoid you due to the awkward nature of divorce. The grief of divorce is a very personal one, and unless someone has either been through it themselves or witnessed it close to their family, or are just really compassionate by nature, I promise you they just really don't know what to say. Most of the time people don't mean anything by it. But there is still a stigma about divorce and it makes people uncomfortable. Extend grace. And be the change. Be the one seeking out others and offering a word of encouragement, prayer, etc.
As a divorcee, you are now in the position to be able to offer your experience over to God to use for His Glory. Chances are there will be others who struggle with marriage problems and they may come to you for encouragement. Point them to truth. Encourage them to do everything in their power to save their marriage and their family. Be someone who prays for them to have the strength to hold on to the vows they made. But if divorce is unstoppable, help them to rely on the Father above for comfort.
And that brings me to this- recognize those who were there for you through the worst of the storm. Thank them. And pay it forward.
So at the end of the day, when all the grieving is past and life continues on, what is the end goal? I believe in all we do, all we experience on this earth whether good or bad, our goal is to shine His light.
And yes, I believe it can be done even through divorce. Now you won't be perfect at it. You'll make plenty of mistakes. I know I definitely have. As a matter of fact, the very nature of divorce as we've already stated in previous posts indicates imperfection on our part. But it doesn't have to mean the end of our influence for Christ.
Satan would have you think that you're not qualified to teach others the truth, spread the gospel, or just be a good example to those around you.
But it's just not true. God can turn any mess into a message. Remember how Paul was a persecutor of the church? King David was an adulterer, Peter denied the Son of God, and on and on we could go listing all the imperfect people God used for His glory. You are no different, my friend.
Yes, there will be moments where you continue to fail as you walk down uncharted territory that chances are you were never taught how to walk down. You will say the wrong things, get angry easily, and not be your best self as you juggle the new relationship with your ex. But pick yourself back up along the way, keep trusting in the Father, and I believe you can be a good example to all those around you of the hope that lies within you, and have great influence for the church. To God be the glory.
The future is bright. Keep smiling!
-Mel
And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.- Phil 1:6
The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe on Him for eternal life. - 1 Tim 1:15-16
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. - Rom 8:28
Monday, June 19, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-The new normal
...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.. Psalm 30:5b
As we continue to look at how to survive divorce as a Christian, let's move forward to the phase where our minds are finally able to concentrate on the present. We've been filled with questions, longings, regrets, etc from the past. We've cried until we physically ran out of tears. But somewhere along the way, we began a new normal. And getting use to it is a process in and of itself, but it's a key step to our emotional and spiritual health.
As we continue to look at how to survive divorce as a Christian, let's move forward to the phase where our minds are finally able to concentrate on the present. We've been filled with questions, longings, regrets, etc from the past. We've cried until we physically ran out of tears. But somewhere along the way, we began a new normal. And getting use to it is a process in and of itself, but it's a key step to our emotional and spiritual health.
Everything is different. From finding a job if you weren't previously working, to switching jobs that will allow more time with your kids if you're a parent; income will most certainly not be the same as it was before. Assets are divided, and stress and tension are probably at an all-time high.
With kids in the picture, you will no longer be able to parent the way you did before; you won't have as much time with them because they will be split between two households. The lessons you teach your kids about sharing their toys will come back to haunt you as you have to learn to share them with their other parent in whole new ways.
At first this new normal will cause some depression. Some is normal. But don't ever think it makes you weak if you need to talk to a professional to help you sort through the changes in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You will crave companionship as you pull back the covers and slip into bed so emotionally and physically exhausted each night. No one said divorce and single parenthood would be easy.
Having a good support system of family and friends who will listen when you need to vent, cry, or just share in adult conversation is a beautiful thing. I encourage you to seek out those you can trust to be your support. You will need accountability and wise counsel as you navigate the decisions that come your way.
But most importantly, through this process I learned an even bigger lesson and one I hope resonates through all of these posts.
It really is true what they say; no person on earth can fill the need inside for relationship. We all need it, because we were created for it by the creator himself. Through my lonely times I learned that God is the only one who can cure my deep need for companionship. Remember how we made a commitment to growing our faith? This is a practical step we can take. Fully, completely rely on Him. When you're stressed, confused or tired, run to Him before anyone else. Pray. Tell Him everything on your mind. As great as family is, as wonderful as it is to have friends, or as great as it would be to have a partner to go through life with, they can't take the place of relationship with the Father who knows and understands you better than you know yourself. It's time to embrace this new normal and His plan for our life.
But most importantly, through this process I learned an even bigger lesson and one I hope resonates through all of these posts.
It really is true what they say; no person on earth can fill the need inside for relationship. We all need it, because we were created for it by the creator himself. Through my lonely times I learned that God is the only one who can cure my deep need for companionship. Remember how we made a commitment to growing our faith? This is a practical step we can take. Fully, completely rely on Him. When you're stressed, confused or tired, run to Him before anyone else. Pray. Tell Him everything on your mind. As great as family is, as wonderful as it is to have friends, or as great as it would be to have a partner to go through life with, they can't take the place of relationship with the Father who knows and understands you better than you know yourself. It's time to embrace this new normal and His plan for our life.
Single parenting on a day to day basis has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But He gets me through it, and He will you too. Your new normal might be the exact place He wants you in order to build you up for the future purpose He has in mind for you.
My advice to someone getting use to this new normal is to try to appreciate the times you have to yourself. Parenting is hard, and you love your kids with all your heart. You want them with you as much as possible. But whatever the custody is, however much time you have or don't have, enjoy them while you have them and then let them enjoy their other parent. This isn't a post about co parenting, or parenting in general. I'm not an expert on the dos and dont's of coparenting with your ex. We all learn as we go, and everyone has their own unique situation when it comes to dealing with child custody and such. But remember, as much as possible, seek peace. (Rom. 12:18)
Take advantage of that time the kids are with their other parent as time for yourself to unwind and get rid of built up stress you can't show in front of the kids. Take care of yourself when you have opportunity!
Instead of focusing on how much we wish our kids were with us, or hating or being jealous of fun they have with the other parent (all natural reactions) the better answer is to be happy for the kids, and happy for the little break and alone time for yourself. Because you do need a break, stressed out single parent. You are not superman or wonder woman. We all need time to unwind.
And before long, your new normal will just be your normal. And instead of being depressed or sad, you'll begin to find happiness again. It will come. It's a wonderful feeling on the other side my friends!
Keep trusting in the One and Only. Keep on overcoming.
-Mel
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
It's not about a day, it's about moments
Hey mom. I went to see you last week, brought you flowers. Your grandkids picked them out. They really wanted to visit you.
It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.
Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.
It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.
But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.
I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.
I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.
My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.
But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.
No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.
Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.
Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.
Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.
I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...
Thank you.
It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.
Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.
It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.
But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.
I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.
I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.
My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.
But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.
No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.
Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.
Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.
Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.
I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...
Thank you.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-The root of the problem
"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one does, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the spirit will from the spirit reap eternal life."-Gal. 6:7-8
While processing through the past, what went wrong in your relationship and dealing with the depression and guilt it causes as the mind grieves, sometimes it's easy to forget that God hasn't left.
I don't know the responsibility you feel for the demise of your marriage, but I know you share some of it. Let me explain.
You may be in a position where you left and abandoned your family. On the contrary, you may have been the one left behind. In either position, you are responsible for the way you conducted yourself in the union and the decisions you made. It is not all the ex's fault. Don't play the blame game! And at the same time, don't take responsibility for decisions he or she made. Each of you share in some part of the blame, some part of the responsibility. Recognize your part of it. Apologize for it if you still have a civil relationship with your ex. If you're communicating only through lawyers and don't have the opportunity, then confess it to family or friends and most importantly to God.
And remember, God hasn't left you.
One of the loneliest nights of my life was the night after my mother's funeral. Yes, my mother passed away shortly after my husband and I separated. That night as I was alone in the bedroom he and I shared, having put the kids to bed long before, I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I was alone. I didn't see how joy could ever fill my heart again. And I questioned. I questioned God's Will, His love, His sovereignty. I questioned how He could let her die in a time when I needed her the most. I cried out to Him like I never had before.
"Do you still love me?"
My soul longed to know how a Father God planned to use my pain for a greater good. I needed to know He was still there, because I couldn't feel His presense. That night was a fork in the road night for me. I made a decision. I decided I would recommit to growing my faith because I knew if I didn't, I would give up under the pressure and pain I was in.
You see in those days the root of my problem was not simply that my marriage was broken. No, it was that my relationship with God was broken.
This is a hard truth to realize, and an even harder thing for me to suggest for someone else. But this is the perfect time for reexamining your faith. Its a time to put priorities back into perspective. Because the root of any marriage problem is a sin problem. And a sin problem is the result of a broken relationship with God. We reap what we sow. The sooner we come to grips with this reality of life, the better off we will be.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?-unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"-2 Cor. 13:5
Isn't it so very easy to get distracted by the world? We get caught up in sinful passions. We get complacent with doing our part to go through the motions of Christianity and lose the zeal and joy we once had. We compromise our convictions to make others like us and set God aside. Maybe we even walk away from the faith we once claimed.
The result? Brokenness. Always; brokenness in marriages, homes, families, communities, churches and our very souls.
I know how very broken I felt, and if I felt it, I figure others have had moments like this too. Once I admitted I was broken, it became easier to admit I didn't have the answers to piece my life back together on my own. But God.... He can.
In order to move on, move forward, and live the abundant life He promised, we must recognize the areas where we have fallen. We must take responsibility and reach out to the Father for healing. If you find yourself in this place, may I beg you to consider talking to leadership in your congregation? Or if you've stopped, start going back to church. That's a great first step.
These are not easy things to do. I know this. And I don't pretend for a second that I am everything I need to be. I absolutely am not. But even in my worst moments, God never left. And He hasn't left you either. Trust Him. Submit to Him. He will see you through this. He will help you overcome.
-Mel
While processing through the past, what went wrong in your relationship and dealing with the depression and guilt it causes as the mind grieves, sometimes it's easy to forget that God hasn't left.
I don't know the responsibility you feel for the demise of your marriage, but I know you share some of it. Let me explain.
You may be in a position where you left and abandoned your family. On the contrary, you may have been the one left behind. In either position, you are responsible for the way you conducted yourself in the union and the decisions you made. It is not all the ex's fault. Don't play the blame game! And at the same time, don't take responsibility for decisions he or she made. Each of you share in some part of the blame, some part of the responsibility. Recognize your part of it. Apologize for it if you still have a civil relationship with your ex. If you're communicating only through lawyers and don't have the opportunity, then confess it to family or friends and most importantly to God.
And remember, God hasn't left you.
One of the loneliest nights of my life was the night after my mother's funeral. Yes, my mother passed away shortly after my husband and I separated. That night as I was alone in the bedroom he and I shared, having put the kids to bed long before, I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I was alone. I didn't see how joy could ever fill my heart again. And I questioned. I questioned God's Will, His love, His sovereignty. I questioned how He could let her die in a time when I needed her the most. I cried out to Him like I never had before.
"Do you still love me?"
My soul longed to know how a Father God planned to use my pain for a greater good. I needed to know He was still there, because I couldn't feel His presense. That night was a fork in the road night for me. I made a decision. I decided I would recommit to growing my faith because I knew if I didn't, I would give up under the pressure and pain I was in.
You see in those days the root of my problem was not simply that my marriage was broken. No, it was that my relationship with God was broken.
This is a hard truth to realize, and an even harder thing for me to suggest for someone else. But this is the perfect time for reexamining your faith. Its a time to put priorities back into perspective. Because the root of any marriage problem is a sin problem. And a sin problem is the result of a broken relationship with God. We reap what we sow. The sooner we come to grips with this reality of life, the better off we will be.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?-unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"-2 Cor. 13:5
Isn't it so very easy to get distracted by the world? We get caught up in sinful passions. We get complacent with doing our part to go through the motions of Christianity and lose the zeal and joy we once had. We compromise our convictions to make others like us and set God aside. Maybe we even walk away from the faith we once claimed.
The result? Brokenness. Always; brokenness in marriages, homes, families, communities, churches and our very souls.
I know how very broken I felt, and if I felt it, I figure others have had moments like this too. Once I admitted I was broken, it became easier to admit I didn't have the answers to piece my life back together on my own. But God.... He can.
In order to move on, move forward, and live the abundant life He promised, we must recognize the areas where we have fallen. We must take responsibility and reach out to the Father for healing. If you find yourself in this place, may I beg you to consider talking to leadership in your congregation? Or if you've stopped, start going back to church. That's a great first step.
These are not easy things to do. I know this. And I don't pretend for a second that I am everything I need to be. I absolutely am not. But even in my worst moments, God never left. And He hasn't left you either. Trust Him. Submit to Him. He will see you through this. He will help you overcome.
-Mel
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-Feeling like a Failure.
*Disclaimer*
Please read and understand the spirit behind this blog series is simply to use my experiences, my story to help others going through quite possibly the hardest time in thier life. I want to be an encourager that says, you'll get through this. God will work it all out for your good. However, it is only my side of the story of my divorce and I can only speak to how I felt, what I experienced, etc. There are two sides to every story, and I will only speak to mine.
I remember when my marriage first broke up and my husband and I separated, I didn't fully understand the reality of my situation. I was in that shock mode we mentioned in the last post, http://overcomerblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/surviving-divorce-as-christian.html?m=1
I kept telling myself that we were in a fight and that was all. I loved him, he loved me, we were fine. We would work it out. For the first couple weeks I made excuses for him as to why he wasn't at our normal activities with me. "He's working," became my standard answer because it was the closest to the truth without having to admit my life was falling apart.
I'll never forget a conversation I had with my mom in those first few weeks. All I could think about is how every family has that one kid that screws up, is the black sheep, is an embarrassment, etc and I seemed to be filling that position.
"I don't want to embarrass you and dad," I told her. "I don't want to be that child."
I suppose these feelings were a mixture of embarrassment, hurt and a broken ego.
And like any good mother would, she gently scolded me and said, "Mel, we love you and are proud of you no matter what happens. You are not embarrassing us, get that out of your mind."
But at first, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Especially as our story unfolded more and more and we didn't "kiss and make up" the way I thought we would, the word failure was permenentally stamped to my forehead. It's not easy to have your life fall apart in such a public way.
The more I dwelt on the past, the more I saw my mistakes and how I hadn't treasured him, respected him, or even loved him the way I should have. I had failed in my marriage.
I imagine whether you're just separated, beginning the legal process, or finished with it and everything is supposed to magically be okay now, you probably feel like a failure too.
It almost becomes a part of you. You try not to be jealous of your friends or church members who all have "perfect" marriages (a complete falsehood by the way) but every time you see one spouse with a problem and the other spouse there to help them out, you're reminded that you failed. Failed your spouse, failed your vows, failed your children, failed your family name, failed your God.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I hear your heart crying. I know the depressing thoughts running through your head like its the wild west.
Now, let me remind you of the truth in God's word.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."-Psalm 139:14
"Why, even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are worth more than many sparrows."-Luke 12:7
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. The details of why and who did what doesn't matter. God thinks you're wonderful. He created you for a purpose and with a passion.
My advice to you when you are bogged down with regrets and mistakes you made in your marriage is to write down scripture verses that speak to God's view of you. Remind yourself that the one and only creator sent His son to die, just to have a relationship with you. Place these scriptures where you'll see them often. This is advice I was given, and I will pass it on because it helped me so much to view myself the way He viewed me.
He didn't view me as a failure, and He doesn't view you that way either. He loves you, His child. He wants the very best for you. Don't forget that.
-Mel
Please read and understand the spirit behind this blog series is simply to use my experiences, my story to help others going through quite possibly the hardest time in thier life. I want to be an encourager that says, you'll get through this. God will work it all out for your good. However, it is only my side of the story of my divorce and I can only speak to how I felt, what I experienced, etc. There are two sides to every story, and I will only speak to mine.
I remember when my marriage first broke up and my husband and I separated, I didn't fully understand the reality of my situation. I was in that shock mode we mentioned in the last post, http://overcomerblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/surviving-divorce-as-christian.html?m=1
I kept telling myself that we were in a fight and that was all. I loved him, he loved me, we were fine. We would work it out. For the first couple weeks I made excuses for him as to why he wasn't at our normal activities with me. "He's working," became my standard answer because it was the closest to the truth without having to admit my life was falling apart.
I'll never forget a conversation I had with my mom in those first few weeks. All I could think about is how every family has that one kid that screws up, is the black sheep, is an embarrassment, etc and I seemed to be filling that position.
"I don't want to embarrass you and dad," I told her. "I don't want to be that child."
I suppose these feelings were a mixture of embarrassment, hurt and a broken ego.
And like any good mother would, she gently scolded me and said, "Mel, we love you and are proud of you no matter what happens. You are not embarrassing us, get that out of your mind."
But at first, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Especially as our story unfolded more and more and we didn't "kiss and make up" the way I thought we would, the word failure was permenentally stamped to my forehead. It's not easy to have your life fall apart in such a public way.
The more I dwelt on the past, the more I saw my mistakes and how I hadn't treasured him, respected him, or even loved him the way I should have. I had failed in my marriage.
I imagine whether you're just separated, beginning the legal process, or finished with it and everything is supposed to magically be okay now, you probably feel like a failure too.
It almost becomes a part of you. You try not to be jealous of your friends or church members who all have "perfect" marriages (a complete falsehood by the way) but every time you see one spouse with a problem and the other spouse there to help them out, you're reminded that you failed. Failed your spouse, failed your vows, failed your children, failed your family name, failed your God.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I hear your heart crying. I know the depressing thoughts running through your head like its the wild west.
Now, let me remind you of the truth in God's word.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."-Psalm 139:14
"Why, even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are worth more than many sparrows."-Luke 12:7
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. The details of why and who did what doesn't matter. God thinks you're wonderful. He created you for a purpose and with a passion.
My advice to you when you are bogged down with regrets and mistakes you made in your marriage is to write down scripture verses that speak to God's view of you. Remind yourself that the one and only creator sent His son to die, just to have a relationship with you. Place these scriptures where you'll see them often. This is advice I was given, and I will pass it on because it helped me so much to view myself the way He viewed me.
He didn't view me as a failure, and He doesn't view you that way either. He loves you, His child. He wants the very best for you. Don't forget that.
-Mel
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian- The beginning of the end.
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."- Psalm 119:50
Divorce and Christian in the same sentence can send some people into a panic attack. Divorce? Really? Never. Not for a Christian. We know the commitment is till death. And yet divorce, even in the church is continuing to become more of the norm.
Divorce and Christian in the same sentence can send some people into a panic attack. Divorce? Really? Never. Not for a Christian. We know the commitment is till death. And yet divorce, even in the church is continuing to become more of the norm.
That's where the conundrum begins for someone like me. Hi, I'm Melody. A Christian and a divorcee. I say that only to introduce my thoughts on this subject, but don't mistake that intro as the way I define myself. I'm defined as nothing but a child of God saved by His grace.
Back to the conundrum. Because divorce is so common, there is a need to encourage those going through it that it really will be okay, they will live again, they will move forward, and they will have joy in their lives again. They are not alone. And yet, I would never want to ignore the truth that where divorce is, so is sin, betrayal and broken vows. It is the result of falling off the path God chose in the beginning when He created Eve. It is not a good thing. It is not a desired thing. It is to be avoided at all costs. It is serious, and not to be taken lightly. So with that said, I'll now state my disclaimer.
If you are currently married but contemplating divorce, stop reading right now. Evaluate your situation on whether divorce is even biblical. The Lord allows divorce for two reasons: 1. Infidelity in the relationship and 2. An unbeliever who walks away and abandons the union. It's also fair to note that just because a spouse has been unfaithful in the marriage does not mean divorce is commanded or even still the right thing. There is perhaps no better example of Christ's love and forgiveness in the flesh then when a spouse can forgive the other of infidelity and commit to renewing the vows and rebuilding the trust.
So, stop reading, find your spouse, tell them you want a better relationship. Read marriage devotionals or talk to leadership in your congregation about counseling. Do whatever you can do to stop your train of thought. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
This is not meant to encourage divorce, only to encourage those faced with this reality that they can get through the pain. Perhaps it can give insight to others who have strong marriages of what divorcees face during their time of grief.
Have you had the talk? The one where you or your spouse asks for a Divorce? If so, you are probably in shock. You can't think straight, you can't function normally. Even if a part of you knew it was coming, the reality still hits like a slap in the face. Strike that; like a train has run you over, backed up, and crushed you again. How is it that you're even still alive?
It is often in the beginning of this transition where the mind wanders back to the glory days of dating and early marriage. You remember everything like new again. I know for me, I remembered the long nights on the phone where we would just pour our hearts out to each other. There were several times, including the night before our wedding, where we talked until we fell asleep. I remember waking the next morning to shuffling sounds and picking up the phone still connected, to tell him good morning.
There may be one nagging question in your mind. "Where did we go wrong?"
And the reality is that the answer will be different for everyone. You and your spouse may not even agree. But this is an important part of the process of divorce and moving forward. This question shouldn't be ignored.
It's the beginning of the end. And it can serve to teach you and help you as you rebuild your life.
It may not be easy to pinpoint it exactly. For me, I can tell you the exact moment things forever changed. Of course I didn't recognize it then, but I'm forever the wiser and will not make those same mistakes again; not in my life, and not in a future relationship should it be God's Will that I marry again.
This elephant in the room, the defining moment where your marriage began to end can be anything from a decision not to communicate properly or apologize after a fight, getting a job that took you away from the family or church, not prioritizing time together, being more interested in your phone then real human contact, a disinterest in helping in the parenting duties, and on and on. The beginning of the end is not usually the big blow up things. It's not the affair, emotional or physical. It's not abuse, or total abandonment. It's not alcohol addiction. Or drugs. Or whatever.
It's that little nagging thing that happened that caused a chain reaction. If you recognize it soon enough, you can fix it. But if you don't, it will spiral out of control until you're sitting next to a stranger making one of the hardest decisions of your life.
People might tell you "don't dwell on the past." And they mean well, I promise. But they don't realize that in the beginning of the divorce journey, dwelling on the past is the only thing you can really do to keep your sanity. It is needed. It is useful. You will be flooded with nostalgia. Memories good and bad will not leave you alone. Don't ignore this step in the process. Don't fight it. Use your reflecting time as an anchor to help you rebuild. Remember that successful people usually have a lot of failures in their life first. That's how they're successful; they learned from their mistakes.
Remember that it won't always be this painful. Take it from someone who understands. You're a precious child of God. You're an overcomer.
"The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit."-Psalm 34:18
Monday, April 3, 2017
Why are you the way you are?
Why are you the way you are? Has anyone ever asked you this question? Have you stopped and thought about it before?
Perhaps some of your features or personality traits you inherited straight from your parents. Maybe they are easy to blame for your hot temper or goofy sense of humor.
But we all know that different experiences we face in life help to shape us. They grow us. They change us. I can often look at someone in my life and perhaps not understand why they deal with things differently than me, or have an issue that I don't, or are tempted in ways I've never been. But I can also look at my own life. I can see where I'm skeptical and if I'm in tuned to it, can point myself back to exactly why. I can see my temptations and know exactly where and how they started. I can admit I have a hard time in a certain area, and can trace it back to the reason.
Why am I the way I am? Life made me this way. People made me this way. I learned to be this way.
But wait? Do we have to be defined by our past experiences? Does a single event have to create the same outcome every time? Someone betrays us - we stop trusting. We lose a job, and we begin to think that we can't take care of ourselves. Someone sins against us, and we think the scars it caused will always be visible. So we live a closed up life full of hiding. We go through life only feeling half the happiness we could be feeling, because our past is chained to our leg and we are dragging it behind us. Does this sound familiar?
I know this question is a normal one for people to ask or perhaps think about others. Why are they the way they are? It may be said with a little bit of an attitude at times, but I think it's also just normal curiosity. It can also be a question filled with compassion. But honestly, I don't want people to ask this about me even if it's in a compassionate way. Not unless they are wondering how I became so selfless, giving, compassionate, filled with joy, loving, or Christ like.
So, am I using my past negative experiences to help me become better? Or am I letting the past drag behind me and make me bitter? I have a long way to go. I know that people will look at me and they will see lack in all of these areas. But the goal remains the same. We can be overcomers through the strength that the Father provides. And then when others see us and wonder how we became who we are, all glory will go to Him.
Perhaps some of your features or personality traits you inherited straight from your parents. Maybe they are easy to blame for your hot temper or goofy sense of humor.
But we all know that different experiences we face in life help to shape us. They grow us. They change us. I can often look at someone in my life and perhaps not understand why they deal with things differently than me, or have an issue that I don't, or are tempted in ways I've never been. But I can also look at my own life. I can see where I'm skeptical and if I'm in tuned to it, can point myself back to exactly why. I can see my temptations and know exactly where and how they started. I can admit I have a hard time in a certain area, and can trace it back to the reason.
Why am I the way I am? Life made me this way. People made me this way. I learned to be this way.
But wait? Do we have to be defined by our past experiences? Does a single event have to create the same outcome every time? Someone betrays us - we stop trusting. We lose a job, and we begin to think that we can't take care of ourselves. Someone sins against us, and we think the scars it caused will always be visible. So we live a closed up life full of hiding. We go through life only feeling half the happiness we could be feeling, because our past is chained to our leg and we are dragging it behind us. Does this sound familiar?
I know this question is a normal one for people to ask or perhaps think about others. Why are they the way they are? It may be said with a little bit of an attitude at times, but I think it's also just normal curiosity. It can also be a question filled with compassion. But honestly, I don't want people to ask this about me even if it's in a compassionate way. Not unless they are wondering how I became so selfless, giving, compassionate, filled with joy, loving, or Christ like.
So, am I using my past negative experiences to help me become better? Or am I letting the past drag behind me and make me bitter? I have a long way to go. I know that people will look at me and they will see lack in all of these areas. But the goal remains the same. We can be overcomers through the strength that the Father provides. And then when others see us and wonder how we became who we are, all glory will go to Him.
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