Christmas is definitely a season of JOY. At least, we tend to see this word a lot on decorations and Christmas cards this time of year. Our minds easily turn to the nativity scene as we think about the angels rejoicing and praising the Lord the night our Savior was born.
This is the season the world tries to have and show Joy. Carols are sung in nursing homes. Toys are donated to kids in hospitals. The increase of giving is typically a result of lives filled with the joyful spirit of the holidays. But do you show joy in every season, or just at Christmas time?
As I've thought and meditated on my mothering journey, I've realized how often I let Joy escape certain seasons I find myself in; just as most people do in other aspects of life once Christmas passes.
The other day my refrigerator got cleaned out. Lots of old, expired food was thrown away, and my empty cabinets began to fill again with clean Tupperware that had been sitting for too long in that big icebox. As I was cleaning said dishes, I realized how something so simple as keeping up with either eating or tossing leftovers was such a challenge for me. It's like, those dishes are out of sight and out of mind. And I felt defeated. (Sounds a little silly after the fact) But seriously... gross, right? I shouldn't be letting food sit in the back of my fridge for weeks at a time for it to mold. I should be on top of this stuff. But truth be told, I'm just thankful I have the sense enough to know which leftovers are okay to eat and which ones aren't. It's all too easy to close the door and let the dishes hang out in the fridge for a day (or several) more.
After reflecting on why I have such a hard time keeping up with cleaning out the refrigerator, I realized that it's because while that task is an important one.. the task of raising Godly children is MORE important. And I try really hard to juggle my time with them developing their moral character between work and homework, and sleep. Again... not that housework isn't super important too.. and that's not to say I have perfect kids because of all this time I've spent with them. Let's face it. Parenting is hard.
Taking care of a household is hard. The list of important things runs longer than the 24 hours that a day allows for.
And so... joy slips away.
Oh to go back to the toddler days. They were by far my favorite. I absolutely loved the ages from about 15 months to 4. But right now I need joy in the tween years as I try to reconnect with a daughter who is becoming her own person. I need joy in the countless hours it seems I spend working on reading assignments with my son. Or the times he begs me to watch him play video games... Because boys are born with that need for shoulder to shoulder time.
It's not that my kids don't bring me joy. It's just that the amount of emotional energy that goes into keeping up with the constant parenting changes as they age is sometimes more than I have in me. But I want to enjoy them. I want to treasure every moment. I want to be a "good" mom.
But are we as a society still under the impression that you have to somehow be perfect to be considered "good"? If that's the case... we all fail miserably.
Sometimes I think about the relationship I want to have with my kids when they are adults. And that keeps me motivated to pour into them and pursue them. Because I do think it's the parents job to pursue the child.. not the other way around.
Even when they are 30... I still want to pursue them. And the way I believe we stand the best change of relating and having positive influence in our children's lives is by daily making them feel important and loved.
Through every season of Motherhood. Fatherhood. Parenthood.
Joy in every season? Maybe it's possible if we stop trying for perfection and focus on honest pursuit; when we stop getting down on ourselves for where we lack, and just try to relate.
Be human. Be flawed. Be real. Because that's where true joy in motherhood is. In that indescribable bond you can share with your children because you valued them, and they in turn will value you.
Don't let the mundane of the every day struggles take away the joy of the season. Whatever that season is. Diapers to college applications, to grandbabies and beyond. If there is purpose in your parenting, you can have joy in all the moments.
"Be Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."- Rom 12:12
Friday, December 22, 2017
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Taking back the Joy of Motherhood
Her tiny face. His wrinkled nose. That first cry; a beautiful sound that makes the last 9 months and specifically the last few hours totally worth it. There is just not much you can compare to the deep rooted feeling of love you feel as you gaze into your child's eyes for the first time. And the Joy; oh the Joy you feel as you go from just a woman to a mother.
But just like most things, Satan soon tries to steal that joy from you.
Constant diaper changes. No sleep. Didn't you just eat child? More feedings. Burping. Walking the halls in the night trying to soothe a screaming baby.
Watching a toddler twenty four seven because they will get into mischief. Teaching manners. Disciplining. Again.
And then there's the school years. That's where I'm at in my mothering journey. School. Activities. Homework assignments. The best way I could describe the school age child rearing years is busy. So busy. And mentally exhausting.
The other day as I was driving home from work, my mind was on the holidays and how quickly they are approaching yet, I have struggled to get into the spirit of them. And I wondered why. Determined to make the most of these chilly Novemeber days, I decided to surprise the kids with hot chocolate when they got off the bus. I envisioned in my head making the most of the afternoon hours sitting with them while they did their homework, laughing, enjoying the weather with our mugs of warm chocolate goodness.
It was a Leave it to Beaver dream. You know, that picture perfect life of a mother. But I live in an I Love Lucy world. I'm full of flaws in every aspect of life- motherhood included.
I almost burnt the milk I was heating up while waiting outside for the kids. When we got inside and I finally got the hot chocolate made, it was much too hot for one child who quickly complained. This kid wants hot chocolate that is more like room temperature milk. *gag me.* So into the freezer it went for 10 minutes.
Homework took forever, the housework suffered and I ended up cleaning while cooking and constantly reminding the kids to sit back down and focus.
And you know what? That was a good day overall. But by the end of it I felt worn out, stressed, and not... you know, joyful. Once again I felt inadequate in the responsibilities God has given me.
But it's time to take that joy back.
It's time to realize that motherhood is not those picture perfect snapshots posted on instagram.
Motherhood is filled with sacrifice as you pour yourself out and into your child. And while you can't continue pouring yourself out when you are empty and sometimes every mom needs a break to fill back up, there really is Joy in the emptiness, the tired, the stressed when you choose to see that your efforts are not in vain. Really see.
Every time you feel exhausted because of a busy day pouring into your children, choose to see the filling up that they received. Choose to see the memories you made that they may have for a lifetime. Choose joy.
Where do you go for your help? Where do you go for your strength? Where do you turn to refill and recharge?
Too often, I've turned to the mighty internet to answer motherhood questions or seek advice. Too often I've turned to the TV for relaxation and recharging time.
But what does that verse say?
"I lift my eyes unto the screen, where does my help come from? My help comes from technology, the endless source of human knowledge."
No.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."-Ps 121:1-2
Time to fix our eyes on the One who made Heaven and earth. That's where we will find the help, strength, and recharging that we need as we walk this journey of motherhood.
I'll be studying the subject of Joy and how it can relate to motherhood for the next few weeks. I hope some other mothers will join me in this challenge to find and renew the Joy of Motherhood.
"...Do not be grieved, the Joy of the Lord is your strength."-Neh 8:10b
But just like most things, Satan soon tries to steal that joy from you.
Constant diaper changes. No sleep. Didn't you just eat child? More feedings. Burping. Walking the halls in the night trying to soothe a screaming baby.
Watching a toddler twenty four seven because they will get into mischief. Teaching manners. Disciplining. Again.
And then there's the school years. That's where I'm at in my mothering journey. School. Activities. Homework assignments. The best way I could describe the school age child rearing years is busy. So busy. And mentally exhausting.
The other day as I was driving home from work, my mind was on the holidays and how quickly they are approaching yet, I have struggled to get into the spirit of them. And I wondered why. Determined to make the most of these chilly Novemeber days, I decided to surprise the kids with hot chocolate when they got off the bus. I envisioned in my head making the most of the afternoon hours sitting with them while they did their homework, laughing, enjoying the weather with our mugs of warm chocolate goodness.
It was a Leave it to Beaver dream. You know, that picture perfect life of a mother. But I live in an I Love Lucy world. I'm full of flaws in every aspect of life- motherhood included.
I almost burnt the milk I was heating up while waiting outside for the kids. When we got inside and I finally got the hot chocolate made, it was much too hot for one child who quickly complained. This kid wants hot chocolate that is more like room temperature milk. *gag me.* So into the freezer it went for 10 minutes.
Homework took forever, the housework suffered and I ended up cleaning while cooking and constantly reminding the kids to sit back down and focus.
And you know what? That was a good day overall. But by the end of it I felt worn out, stressed, and not... you know, joyful. Once again I felt inadequate in the responsibilities God has given me.
But it's time to take that joy back.
It's time to realize that motherhood is not those picture perfect snapshots posted on instagram.
Motherhood is filled with sacrifice as you pour yourself out and into your child. And while you can't continue pouring yourself out when you are empty and sometimes every mom needs a break to fill back up, there really is Joy in the emptiness, the tired, the stressed when you choose to see that your efforts are not in vain. Really see.
Every time you feel exhausted because of a busy day pouring into your children, choose to see the filling up that they received. Choose to see the memories you made that they may have for a lifetime. Choose joy.
Where do you go for your help? Where do you go for your strength? Where do you turn to refill and recharge?
Too often, I've turned to the mighty internet to answer motherhood questions or seek advice. Too often I've turned to the TV for relaxation and recharging time.
But what does that verse say?
"I lift my eyes unto the screen, where does my help come from? My help comes from technology, the endless source of human knowledge."
No.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth."-Ps 121:1-2
Time to fix our eyes on the One who made Heaven and earth. That's where we will find the help, strength, and recharging that we need as we walk this journey of motherhood.
I'll be studying the subject of Joy and how it can relate to motherhood for the next few weeks. I hope some other mothers will join me in this challenge to find and renew the Joy of Motherhood.
"...Do not be grieved, the Joy of the Lord is your strength."-Neh 8:10b
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
5 things you should do while going through divorce (or any trial)
Okay, so let's get down to some self reflection. Am I the only one that while going through a trial ends up in several pity parties, guest list of one?
Somehow I doubt it. It's human nature to feel sorry for ourselves when life isn't turning out quite right. It's so easy to get down and depressed when our souls are hurting. And while I won't go into why this mentality is destructive to our faith and our lives, I do want to address some ways I've learned to avoid it. Not that I've always followed these things. Don't misunderstand me. Lots of late nights crying floods of tears feeling sorry for myself have been shed in the past.
In the last post I suggested 5 things that people sometimes say to those going through divorce that don't come across as intended. But the responsibility goes both ways. Those going through divorce (or any trial) do not get a pass to act however they feel or say whatever they want because they are hurting. You will hurt relationships that way, and possibly friendships. So, here are 5 things I believe you should do while going through divorce (or any trial).
5. Count your blessings
I know, this sounds very vague and unhelpful. But stay with me. If you are to avoid feeling sorry for yourself and find growth as a person and more importantly a Christian, you need to remind yourself of God's goodness. It can be as simple as being thankful for a smile across your child's face, or cooler weather that puts you in the holiday spirit. Anything goes. Because when we realize that everything, EVERYTHING is a gift, we start to sift our focus away from self and gain perspective that will carry us through the hard times. This is not easy to do at first. It's not easy to consciously thank God for things that seem trivial compared to the mountain your climbing. Do it anyway.
4. Serve others
When dealing with grief and pain and trials, and specifically divorce, it's easy to forget our mission as Christians is to serve like Christ. Everything becomes so self centered without even realizing it. But people are still sick, families still lose loved ones, and there are countless opportunities out there to serve others.
Don't misunderstand me. I think there is a time to step back and sit at the feet of Jesus for a while. There is a time to rest in His arms and let Him carry you through the storm. Divorce is a big one, and you won't always have a full cup ready to be poured out into others. But try to want to.
Because there is plenty of opportunity out there to minister, and when you're focused on helping others, there is no time for pity parties.
3. Let others help you
While you don't want to become entitled with a victim mentality, it also takes humility to admit that you do need help, prayers, support, etc. Don't be so filled with pride that you deny others the opportunity to help you out in your time of need.
When I have needed it the most, God's people have shown me so much grace, support and love. I have been helped financially, in counseling, as well as just phone calls or texts. Shutting the world out, and especially God's people will not benefit you spiritually. To everything there is a season. Sometimes that season is to receive blessings from others. Let them help you.
2. Be a student of life
No one is perfect and we will make mistakes. Learn from them. Trials will come. People will disappoint. Hardships are inevitable. But having an attitude that is quick to apply the lessons this life can teach will help you in your journey of becoming more Christ like.
They say the best lessons we can learn are during the hard times of life, and I have found that to be true. But it's so easy sometimes to refuse to listen. It's easy to want to just assume life is getting us down for no good reason. But it's not. God always has a plan to use our trials for His Glory.
And lastly,
1. Let it go
Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the pain. Forgive where it is needed. Extend Grace wherever possible. Don't let your divorce define you for the rest of your life.
Healing takes time, I know this to be true. But focus your energy on letting the past stay in the past and you will find healing much quicker.
It's amazing how different I am now than even a year ago. But this concept of letting go still gets me sometimes. It's a constant, every day intention on my part to take my thoughts captive and leave the negativity behind.
Your relationship status changed. Your value or worth in the eyes of your Father did not.
So let go of your anger, your resentment, and anything else that holds you back.
Did I mention forgiveness? It's not just saying the words. It's an action. It's intentional thinking. But if you cannot forgive those that have wronged you, God will not forgive you. (Matt 6:15)
I know it's a struggle. I still deal with having to forgive offenses on a daily basis. It's a shame to have to admit that. But sometimes forgiveness is really, really hard. I don't pretend to have this thing all figured out. But I know my duty as a child of God is to work on it daily.
Let it go, and trust God that He is taking care of you, slowly creating in you a clean heart.
Remember, He has already overcome the world. (John 16:33)
With love,
Mel
Somehow I doubt it. It's human nature to feel sorry for ourselves when life isn't turning out quite right. It's so easy to get down and depressed when our souls are hurting. And while I won't go into why this mentality is destructive to our faith and our lives, I do want to address some ways I've learned to avoid it. Not that I've always followed these things. Don't misunderstand me. Lots of late nights crying floods of tears feeling sorry for myself have been shed in the past.
In the last post I suggested 5 things that people sometimes say to those going through divorce that don't come across as intended. But the responsibility goes both ways. Those going through divorce (or any trial) do not get a pass to act however they feel or say whatever they want because they are hurting. You will hurt relationships that way, and possibly friendships. So, here are 5 things I believe you should do while going through divorce (or any trial).
5. Count your blessings
I know, this sounds very vague and unhelpful. But stay with me. If you are to avoid feeling sorry for yourself and find growth as a person and more importantly a Christian, you need to remind yourself of God's goodness. It can be as simple as being thankful for a smile across your child's face, or cooler weather that puts you in the holiday spirit. Anything goes. Because when we realize that everything, EVERYTHING is a gift, we start to sift our focus away from self and gain perspective that will carry us through the hard times. This is not easy to do at first. It's not easy to consciously thank God for things that seem trivial compared to the mountain your climbing. Do it anyway.
4. Serve others
When dealing with grief and pain and trials, and specifically divorce, it's easy to forget our mission as Christians is to serve like Christ. Everything becomes so self centered without even realizing it. But people are still sick, families still lose loved ones, and there are countless opportunities out there to serve others.
Don't misunderstand me. I think there is a time to step back and sit at the feet of Jesus for a while. There is a time to rest in His arms and let Him carry you through the storm. Divorce is a big one, and you won't always have a full cup ready to be poured out into others. But try to want to.
Because there is plenty of opportunity out there to minister, and when you're focused on helping others, there is no time for pity parties.
3. Let others help you
While you don't want to become entitled with a victim mentality, it also takes humility to admit that you do need help, prayers, support, etc. Don't be so filled with pride that you deny others the opportunity to help you out in your time of need.
When I have needed it the most, God's people have shown me so much grace, support and love. I have been helped financially, in counseling, as well as just phone calls or texts. Shutting the world out, and especially God's people will not benefit you spiritually. To everything there is a season. Sometimes that season is to receive blessings from others. Let them help you.
2. Be a student of life
No one is perfect and we will make mistakes. Learn from them. Trials will come. People will disappoint. Hardships are inevitable. But having an attitude that is quick to apply the lessons this life can teach will help you in your journey of becoming more Christ like.
They say the best lessons we can learn are during the hard times of life, and I have found that to be true. But it's so easy sometimes to refuse to listen. It's easy to want to just assume life is getting us down for no good reason. But it's not. God always has a plan to use our trials for His Glory.
And lastly,
1. Let it go
Let go of the bitterness. Let go of the pain. Forgive where it is needed. Extend Grace wherever possible. Don't let your divorce define you for the rest of your life.
Healing takes time, I know this to be true. But focus your energy on letting the past stay in the past and you will find healing much quicker.
It's amazing how different I am now than even a year ago. But this concept of letting go still gets me sometimes. It's a constant, every day intention on my part to take my thoughts captive and leave the negativity behind.
Your relationship status changed. Your value or worth in the eyes of your Father did not.
So let go of your anger, your resentment, and anything else that holds you back.
Did I mention forgiveness? It's not just saying the words. It's an action. It's intentional thinking. But if you cannot forgive those that have wronged you, God will not forgive you. (Matt 6:15)
I know it's a struggle. I still deal with having to forgive offenses on a daily basis. It's a shame to have to admit that. But sometimes forgiveness is really, really hard. I don't pretend to have this thing all figured out. But I know my duty as a child of God is to work on it daily.
Let it go, and trust God that He is taking care of you, slowly creating in you a clean heart.
Remember, He has already overcome the world. (John 16:33)
With love,
Mel
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
5 things you shouldn't say to someone going through a divorce
I've had a few people ask me from time to time to share from my experience some things that either helped, or hurt during the divorce process. I've had a hard time characterizing, or coming up with real set of specifics, because I believe each situation is different, each divorce is different, every personality is different... etc. Plus, writing anything down in a blog is so public, and it might come across like I'm singling people out (even if I don't mention names) and I'd NEVER want to do that. But with that said, I do have a few... shall we say pet peeves? A few things that are meant with all the love and good intentions in the world, but on the receiving end don't always translate as "helpful." So in the spirit of sharing to help us all in our walks, here are a few of the top things I believe we shouldn't say to someone going through a divorce.
5. You're better off without them.
This one may very well be true, but what might come across as a boost of confidence for someone breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, does not translate the same to someone going through divorce. In the first case, it is an encouragement that the decision to part is keeping them from getting into a negative situation, or stopping them from making a mistake. It's almost empowering. But when it comes to divorce, you aren't keeping anyone from making a mistake.. instead it insinuates that you think they already did. And again, while that may even be true, you must remember that divorce breaks up a whole being into two very broken halfs. The one going through it doesn't feel better off, and doesn't want to think about being better off without their other half. It's just a phrase that is too soon to say.
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
4. Things will get better.
This is said I think when people really just have no clue what to say but they want to help. It's meant to be encouraging and a reminder that life won't always look so dim. However, it is so vague that it falls on deaf ears. When going through divorce you get tunnel vision.. it's hard to see anything else but the pain of your life falling apart. Those going through it need real solutions and answers to how to get past the trial. I remember rolling my eyes at comments like this. (Okay, maybe that was bad on my part... but I wasn't thinking straight)
3. At least now it's over
The judge signs the decree and everyone thinks life will return to normal for the newly divorced person. But the reality is, the only thing that is over is the marriage. The grief, pain, issues, etc are all on going. Healing and returning to any sense on normalcy will take time. And when the divorce is final, "normal" will never actually be the same again. It will be new, and different, and again, will take time to adjust. Phrases like this also fall on deaf ears and hinder your ability to be an influence because it is obvious you don't know from experience what divorce is like. And if the divorced individual doesn't feel you will be able to empathize with them, they will not want to talk to you.
2. Where are the kids?
The last two involve children, so if the divorced person isn't a parent then these won't apply. But these two have been said multiple times to me. The response to this question is going to come off as very sarcastic, but hopefully the reader will also know it is said with all the love in the world.. but... Really? I can't tell you how many times I was asked this question at first, and even still a year later. If I walk into a building completely by myself, it should be assumed that the kids are with their father. Unless the person asking the question is actually questioning if I abandoned my children on the side of the road somewhere? This question baffles me everytime. Especially now that our every other weekend routine has been established for over a year. I know people just care. And maybe they want me to know they noticed my kids are not around. But I've had other comments such as, "I miss your kids when they're not here, and I know you do too." This comment comes across so much better. If you want to make conversation and let the person know you're aware that they may be lonely without their kids, saying it this way or similar will be empathetic and kind. And possibly avoid a look on my face for asking what to me is a dumb question.
And lastly,
1. Kids are resilient
This phrase is meant to encourage the parent that the kids will be fine after divorce. But it comes across as downplaying the whole ordeal as if its nothing. Look, I realize kids have a tendency to adapt to change quicker than adults. I understand kids can and do survive hardships. But... I've seen with my own eyes that they are not resilient. That's like saying they are unbreakable.. And let's be honest, we all know plenty of broken adults; most of which can be traced back to childhood issues or trauma. I watched my kids go from happy, stress free toddlers to anxiety filled, scared and clingy children. I held them in my arms more times than I can count as they cried and begged for things I couldn't give them. It has taken a lot of hard work, a lot of self denial of my own pain, etc to keep them smiling and assured of their security. It's not that it's just divorce. It's new relationships, it's new houses, new schools, new routines, etc, etc. Each and every change that might seem small to any other kid is huge to children trying to adapt to their parents separation. Divorce will scar children. There's no way around it. In some way, shape or form, they will forever bare the scars of broken dreams. This phrase might be the one that gets to me most, because my children are NOT resilient. No child is. To the newly divorced parent, remember, your choices matter. How you think about the kids as you make each decision from here on out can be the difference between adults with scars, and adults with open wounds still bleeding out from childhood. Instead of using this phrase, tell the parent they are doing a good job. Encourage them in the areas that they can control to be the best parent they can be. But always acknowledge their children's pain too.
I hope this has been a helpful post in terms of thinking about what to say or not say to those grieving divorce. Why is this important? Well, we are told to rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with them that weep. (Rom. 12:15) Getting an idea of how to approach grief can give us an open door to minister to one another, or perhaps even teach the gospel and save souls. It's not about the exact things we say, but it is about showing the love and compassion of Christ.
Here in these human bodies we will never say or do everything right.. And that's okay. Grace is there to take care of the rest. God bless.
Written with love,
Mel
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Turning Problems into Praise
This week year I've had several things not quite go my way. I'm currently a student in a self paced certification course trying to become a CPC. In the medical billing world, that stands for certified professional coder. Well, this course has taken much longer than I expected thanks to several other life events such as working full time, motherhood, shuffling kids to and from appointments, church activities, etc etc. This summer is flying by and we've been go, go, go even more than usual. In the few times that I seem to have free time here lately I've either been so tired I slept instead of studied or so emotionally drained I ended up vegging on the couch in front of the TV. (Maybe not the best use of free time, but hey, everyone needs down time, right?)
After a weekend very full and a heavy heart, I turned to one of my closest friends and poured my heart out about some things going on in my life right now. I was just at a breaking point. All I saw in front of me were the problems of today. I must admit there were a few tears shed as I shared. I am a woman after all. And over 30. I'm pretty sure at some point the ability to hold back the tears just goes away. I cry when I'm happy, sad, excited and anxious. Whatever emotion I may be feeling, tears are usually involved. Or maybe it runs in my family...
Regardless, this beautiful, wise friend of mine calmly reminded me to turn my problems into praise. So I'm behind on my schooling... Praise God that He's given me the opportunity to study and advance my career! Praise God that it is self paced because this crazy, stressed out mom would not be able to do it otherwise. So I'm tired on a normal basis... Praise God for a job that puts food on the table and kids to keep my dinner conversation interesting. Praise God for the little feet that find their way into my bed in the middle of the night because there's something about mama that is comforting when darkness is all around. So I might be worried about this situation, or that situation, or hope a certain thing happens or doesn't happen... whatever the case may be, whatever I may view as a problem, there is always a way to turn it into praise.
The simple truth of the gospel is this- because of what Jesus did on the cross, sinners become saints, the broken are mended, the sick are healed, and those weighed down by chains are set free.
Why then, when life gets us down, do we seem to forget that He is still in control?
I mean, I have proof of what He can do if I just look for it. He turned a little shepherd boy into a king. He used a little boy's sack lunch to feed thousands. He calmed a storm with just His voice. He took a loud mouthed, prideful fisherman and gave him the keys to the kingdom and opportunity to share the gospel with thousands in one setting alone. He saw the heart of a man who was persecuting the church because he had a zeal for the old jewish laws and turned him into a preacher of Jesus as messiah. When Paul was imprisoned, or stoned, or shipwrecked, etc... he always seemed to be able to view those problems as opportunities for praise.
Finally, Brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.- Phil 4:8
What if we filled our thoughts with only these things? What if when problems arise in our life, we strive to find the good that will come from it and praise God for it?
After all, God accepted a broken young girl who with an honest heart sought Him and obeyed the gospel but still had no idea how to put herself back together. He patiently waited for a few years while she tried to glue her heart back together on her own, and then used tragedy in her life to bring her to her lowest point where she had no choice but to recognize He was all she needed. He took that girl and piece by piece He continued to break her so He could restore her completely. She may not be perfect yet, but He isn't finished with His work. Because that's what a Father does. He gently and lovingly molds each of His children into exactly who He created them to be.
But can I trust Him with my problem today?
Of course I can. And so can you. But it requires a little effort in changing our thought process, getting on our knees and praising God for whatever good we can see in the problem and even the good we can not. Because our Father has everything under control. So we don't have to.
...if there be any praise...
Trust Him with what you're dealing with today. Praise Him for what He's doing in your life. Remember, He has already overcome the world and Heaven is just a step away.
-Mel
After a weekend very full and a heavy heart, I turned to one of my closest friends and poured my heart out about some things going on in my life right now. I was just at a breaking point. All I saw in front of me were the problems of today. I must admit there were a few tears shed as I shared. I am a woman after all. And over 30. I'm pretty sure at some point the ability to hold back the tears just goes away. I cry when I'm happy, sad, excited and anxious. Whatever emotion I may be feeling, tears are usually involved. Or maybe it runs in my family...
Regardless, this beautiful, wise friend of mine calmly reminded me to turn my problems into praise. So I'm behind on my schooling... Praise God that He's given me the opportunity to study and advance my career! Praise God that it is self paced because this crazy, stressed out mom would not be able to do it otherwise. So I'm tired on a normal basis... Praise God for a job that puts food on the table and kids to keep my dinner conversation interesting. Praise God for the little feet that find their way into my bed in the middle of the night because there's something about mama that is comforting when darkness is all around. So I might be worried about this situation, or that situation, or hope a certain thing happens or doesn't happen... whatever the case may be, whatever I may view as a problem, there is always a way to turn it into praise.
The simple truth of the gospel is this- because of what Jesus did on the cross, sinners become saints, the broken are mended, the sick are healed, and those weighed down by chains are set free.
Why then, when life gets us down, do we seem to forget that He is still in control?
I mean, I have proof of what He can do if I just look for it. He turned a little shepherd boy into a king. He used a little boy's sack lunch to feed thousands. He calmed a storm with just His voice. He took a loud mouthed, prideful fisherman and gave him the keys to the kingdom and opportunity to share the gospel with thousands in one setting alone. He saw the heart of a man who was persecuting the church because he had a zeal for the old jewish laws and turned him into a preacher of Jesus as messiah. When Paul was imprisoned, or stoned, or shipwrecked, etc... he always seemed to be able to view those problems as opportunities for praise.
Finally, Brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, if there be any praise, think on these things.- Phil 4:8
What if we filled our thoughts with only these things? What if when problems arise in our life, we strive to find the good that will come from it and praise God for it?
After all, God accepted a broken young girl who with an honest heart sought Him and obeyed the gospel but still had no idea how to put herself back together. He patiently waited for a few years while she tried to glue her heart back together on her own, and then used tragedy in her life to bring her to her lowest point where she had no choice but to recognize He was all she needed. He took that girl and piece by piece He continued to break her so He could restore her completely. She may not be perfect yet, but He isn't finished with His work. Because that's what a Father does. He gently and lovingly molds each of His children into exactly who He created them to be.
But can I trust Him with my problem today?
Of course I can. And so can you. But it requires a little effort in changing our thought process, getting on our knees and praising God for whatever good we can see in the problem and even the good we can not. Because our Father has everything under control. So we don't have to.
...if there be any praise...
Trust Him with what you're dealing with today. Praise Him for what He's doing in your life. Remember, He has already overcome the world and Heaven is just a step away.
-Mel
Monday, June 19, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-Moving forward
The last step in the divorce recovery process is the point at which you are able to say you are moving forward. There are so many more things we could say about divorce; so many conversations, scenarios, decisions and processes to walk through. No wonder there are so many self help and divorce recovery books out there. But sadly, not enough of them from a Christian perspective. I believe this needs to change. Do we not think that the first century church dealt with divorce? It is most certain that they did. After all, Paul wrote concerning marriage, divorce, and being single for a reason. I'm sure there were many new Christians whose spouses left them because of their faith.
Whatever the reason for your divorce, please know that you are not alone. Though in the church it still may feel like you are not the norm, (and that's a good thing! Would you really wish the pain of divorce on anyone? I think we can all agree the answer is no.) You are in great company of people from all walks of life from the new testament days until now. Divorce is not the end. There is hope in Christ.
How do you really know when you're moving forward? Believe me, there will still be many hurdles, and a constant ebb and flow of emotions. But I think when you get to a point where you can talk about the past with your children, show them pictures of you and your ex when the two of you were younger, even watch videos of you together and not feel much emotion at all- no sadness, no grief, no longing, not even a good reminiscent feeling- you are well on your way. Finally, the past becomes the past. Whether good or bad, fun memories or things you wish you could change, it just is.
I don't believe there is a real set timeframe for when this happens. Like any other form of grief and the death of hopes and dreams, everyone travels at their own pace. But with all your hope and trust in the Father, you can rest assured that He is bringing everything together for your good.
Last few thoughts on this subject- remember to extend grace to those around you who may not see your need, ask how you're doing, or even avoid you due to the awkward nature of divorce. The grief of divorce is a very personal one, and unless someone has either been through it themselves or witnessed it close to their family, or are just really compassionate by nature, I promise you they just really don't know what to say. Most of the time people don't mean anything by it. But there is still a stigma about divorce and it makes people uncomfortable. Extend grace. And be the change. Be the one seeking out others and offering a word of encouragement, prayer, etc.
As a divorcee, you are now in the position to be able to offer your experience over to God to use for His Glory. Chances are there will be others who struggle with marriage problems and they may come to you for encouragement. Point them to truth. Encourage them to do everything in their power to save their marriage and their family. Be someone who prays for them to have the strength to hold on to the vows they made. But if divorce is unstoppable, help them to rely on the Father above for comfort.
And that brings me to this- recognize those who were there for you through the worst of the storm. Thank them. And pay it forward.
So at the end of the day, when all the grieving is past and life continues on, what is the end goal? I believe in all we do, all we experience on this earth whether good or bad, our goal is to shine His light.
And yes, I believe it can be done even through divorce. Now you won't be perfect at it. You'll make plenty of mistakes. I know I definitely have. As a matter of fact, the very nature of divorce as we've already stated in previous posts indicates imperfection on our part. But it doesn't have to mean the end of our influence for Christ.
Satan would have you think that you're not qualified to teach others the truth, spread the gospel, or just be a good example to those around you.
But it's just not true. God can turn any mess into a message. Remember how Paul was a persecutor of the church? King David was an adulterer, Peter denied the Son of God, and on and on we could go listing all the imperfect people God used for His glory. You are no different, my friend.
Yes, there will be moments where you continue to fail as you walk down uncharted territory that chances are you were never taught how to walk down. You will say the wrong things, get angry easily, and not be your best self as you juggle the new relationship with your ex. But pick yourself back up along the way, keep trusting in the Father, and I believe you can be a good example to all those around you of the hope that lies within you, and have great influence for the church. To God be the glory.
The future is bright. Keep smiling!
-Mel
And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.- Phil 1:6
The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe on Him for eternal life. - 1 Tim 1:15-16
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. - Rom 8:28
Whatever the reason for your divorce, please know that you are not alone. Though in the church it still may feel like you are not the norm, (and that's a good thing! Would you really wish the pain of divorce on anyone? I think we can all agree the answer is no.) You are in great company of people from all walks of life from the new testament days until now. Divorce is not the end. There is hope in Christ.
How do you really know when you're moving forward? Believe me, there will still be many hurdles, and a constant ebb and flow of emotions. But I think when you get to a point where you can talk about the past with your children, show them pictures of you and your ex when the two of you were younger, even watch videos of you together and not feel much emotion at all- no sadness, no grief, no longing, not even a good reminiscent feeling- you are well on your way. Finally, the past becomes the past. Whether good or bad, fun memories or things you wish you could change, it just is.
I don't believe there is a real set timeframe for when this happens. Like any other form of grief and the death of hopes and dreams, everyone travels at their own pace. But with all your hope and trust in the Father, you can rest assured that He is bringing everything together for your good.
Last few thoughts on this subject- remember to extend grace to those around you who may not see your need, ask how you're doing, or even avoid you due to the awkward nature of divorce. The grief of divorce is a very personal one, and unless someone has either been through it themselves or witnessed it close to their family, or are just really compassionate by nature, I promise you they just really don't know what to say. Most of the time people don't mean anything by it. But there is still a stigma about divorce and it makes people uncomfortable. Extend grace. And be the change. Be the one seeking out others and offering a word of encouragement, prayer, etc.
As a divorcee, you are now in the position to be able to offer your experience over to God to use for His Glory. Chances are there will be others who struggle with marriage problems and they may come to you for encouragement. Point them to truth. Encourage them to do everything in their power to save their marriage and their family. Be someone who prays for them to have the strength to hold on to the vows they made. But if divorce is unstoppable, help them to rely on the Father above for comfort.
And that brings me to this- recognize those who were there for you through the worst of the storm. Thank them. And pay it forward.
So at the end of the day, when all the grieving is past and life continues on, what is the end goal? I believe in all we do, all we experience on this earth whether good or bad, our goal is to shine His light.
And yes, I believe it can be done even through divorce. Now you won't be perfect at it. You'll make plenty of mistakes. I know I definitely have. As a matter of fact, the very nature of divorce as we've already stated in previous posts indicates imperfection on our part. But it doesn't have to mean the end of our influence for Christ.
Satan would have you think that you're not qualified to teach others the truth, spread the gospel, or just be a good example to those around you.
But it's just not true. God can turn any mess into a message. Remember how Paul was a persecutor of the church? King David was an adulterer, Peter denied the Son of God, and on and on we could go listing all the imperfect people God used for His glory. You are no different, my friend.
Yes, there will be moments where you continue to fail as you walk down uncharted territory that chances are you were never taught how to walk down. You will say the wrong things, get angry easily, and not be your best self as you juggle the new relationship with your ex. But pick yourself back up along the way, keep trusting in the Father, and I believe you can be a good example to all those around you of the hope that lies within you, and have great influence for the church. To God be the glory.
The future is bright. Keep smiling!
-Mel
And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.- Phil 1:6
The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe on Him for eternal life. - 1 Tim 1:15-16
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. - Rom 8:28
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-The new normal
...Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning.. Psalm 30:5b
As we continue to look at how to survive divorce as a Christian, let's move forward to the phase where our minds are finally able to concentrate on the present. We've been filled with questions, longings, regrets, etc from the past. We've cried until we physically ran out of tears. But somewhere along the way, we began a new normal. And getting use to it is a process in and of itself, but it's a key step to our emotional and spiritual health.
As we continue to look at how to survive divorce as a Christian, let's move forward to the phase where our minds are finally able to concentrate on the present. We've been filled with questions, longings, regrets, etc from the past. We've cried until we physically ran out of tears. But somewhere along the way, we began a new normal. And getting use to it is a process in and of itself, but it's a key step to our emotional and spiritual health.
Everything is different. From finding a job if you weren't previously working, to switching jobs that will allow more time with your kids if you're a parent; income will most certainly not be the same as it was before. Assets are divided, and stress and tension are probably at an all-time high.
With kids in the picture, you will no longer be able to parent the way you did before; you won't have as much time with them because they will be split between two households. The lessons you teach your kids about sharing their toys will come back to haunt you as you have to learn to share them with their other parent in whole new ways.
At first this new normal will cause some depression. Some is normal. But don't ever think it makes you weak if you need to talk to a professional to help you sort through the changes in your life. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
You will crave companionship as you pull back the covers and slip into bed so emotionally and physically exhausted each night. No one said divorce and single parenthood would be easy.
Having a good support system of family and friends who will listen when you need to vent, cry, or just share in adult conversation is a beautiful thing. I encourage you to seek out those you can trust to be your support. You will need accountability and wise counsel as you navigate the decisions that come your way.
But most importantly, through this process I learned an even bigger lesson and one I hope resonates through all of these posts.
It really is true what they say; no person on earth can fill the need inside for relationship. We all need it, because we were created for it by the creator himself. Through my lonely times I learned that God is the only one who can cure my deep need for companionship. Remember how we made a commitment to growing our faith? This is a practical step we can take. Fully, completely rely on Him. When you're stressed, confused or tired, run to Him before anyone else. Pray. Tell Him everything on your mind. As great as family is, as wonderful as it is to have friends, or as great as it would be to have a partner to go through life with, they can't take the place of relationship with the Father who knows and understands you better than you know yourself. It's time to embrace this new normal and His plan for our life.
But most importantly, through this process I learned an even bigger lesson and one I hope resonates through all of these posts.
It really is true what they say; no person on earth can fill the need inside for relationship. We all need it, because we were created for it by the creator himself. Through my lonely times I learned that God is the only one who can cure my deep need for companionship. Remember how we made a commitment to growing our faith? This is a practical step we can take. Fully, completely rely on Him. When you're stressed, confused or tired, run to Him before anyone else. Pray. Tell Him everything on your mind. As great as family is, as wonderful as it is to have friends, or as great as it would be to have a partner to go through life with, they can't take the place of relationship with the Father who knows and understands you better than you know yourself. It's time to embrace this new normal and His plan for our life.
Single parenting on a day to day basis has proven to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. But He gets me through it, and He will you too. Your new normal might be the exact place He wants you in order to build you up for the future purpose He has in mind for you.
My advice to someone getting use to this new normal is to try to appreciate the times you have to yourself. Parenting is hard, and you love your kids with all your heart. You want them with you as much as possible. But whatever the custody is, however much time you have or don't have, enjoy them while you have them and then let them enjoy their other parent. This isn't a post about co parenting, or parenting in general. I'm not an expert on the dos and dont's of coparenting with your ex. We all learn as we go, and everyone has their own unique situation when it comes to dealing with child custody and such. But remember, as much as possible, seek peace. (Rom. 12:18)
Take advantage of that time the kids are with their other parent as time for yourself to unwind and get rid of built up stress you can't show in front of the kids. Take care of yourself when you have opportunity!
Instead of focusing on how much we wish our kids were with us, or hating or being jealous of fun they have with the other parent (all natural reactions) the better answer is to be happy for the kids, and happy for the little break and alone time for yourself. Because you do need a break, stressed out single parent. You are not superman or wonder woman. We all need time to unwind.
And before long, your new normal will just be your normal. And instead of being depressed or sad, you'll begin to find happiness again. It will come. It's a wonderful feeling on the other side my friends!
Keep trusting in the One and Only. Keep on overcoming.
-Mel
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
It's not about a day, it's about moments
Hey mom. I went to see you last week, brought you flowers. Your grandkids picked them out. They really wanted to visit you.
It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.
Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.
It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.
But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.
I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.
I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.
My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.
But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.
No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.
Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.
Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.
Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.
I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...
Thank you.
It's been 4 years since we laid you to rest underneath that big tombstone. But I can still hear your voice, feel your love and miss your presence.
Some days I feel perfectly normal, like everyone else. And some days I feel like my heart is still bleeding out of my chest. You left a huge hole when you went away.
It's funny, because most people seem to think that 4 years is plenty long enough to move on with life. More than long enough. So it makes it harder to talk about how much I miss you, because I don't want anyone to think I'm an emotional basket case in need of therapy.
But I've learned through the years that even though life does go on, and the pain does ease, and laughing and smiling becomes easier again.... It's not because you heal; it's because you figure out how to live with the scar.
I wish you could see your grandkids now. I missed you when Kash played football. I miss you now as Jaedyn plays soccer. I miss you when Jaedyn sings me a new song she wrote, and when Kash brags about his math skills. You had more time with Jaedyn, and she has memories of you. But I grieve along side my son as he explains how much he misses the grandmother he doesn't remember.
I tell him how much you loved him, and how proud you would be of him. And then I remind them both that you're happy in Heaven, and that we will see you again someday.
My Mother's day was hard this year. I was so thankful to spend it with the kids, but it did not go as planned. When will I learn that life doesn't? I missed you more than usual, but as I stood at your grave no words would really come. I was just overwhelmed with life, and wanted so badly to talk to you instead of the empty air.
But I've realized something. Life is not about a specific day; Mother's day, or even the anniversary of your death. It's not about Christmas day, or a family day spent together. Days can be good or bad. They can bring us an emotional high or an emotional low.
No, I'm convinced that life is about making the most of moments. A day might be mostly bad. But it can still be full of great moments. Like when our plans changed on mothers day and we ended up at the house eating pizza and watching a movie together. And we laughed, and we played hide and go seek in the dark. And we talked about how we wouldn't let anything steal our joy.
Like four years ago when I got the phone call to come to the hospital. And there were so many family members around, and everyone was somber and there were so many tears. But there was also a feeling of love and comfort, and knowing that we could get through whatever lie ahead because of the love and friendship and support of so many.
Moments. There is always joy somewhere in there.
Mom, you weren't a perfect mother. You made mistakes like we all do. But you gave me lots of perfect moments. And those moments have turned into treasured memories; memories I love to pass on to my children. And mostly, you taught me to enjoy my kids and the hardest job in the world. And to make our own special moments. Motherhood is amazing and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise my children, even if there are plenty of hard days in there. I know they will be worth it someday, because everything you did for me certainly was.
I'll keep missing you always, but I know you're at peace. I can't wait to see you again someday in eternity. I guess the only thing really left to say is, well...
Thank you.
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-The root of the problem
"Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one does, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the spirit will from the spirit reap eternal life."-Gal. 6:7-8
While processing through the past, what went wrong in your relationship and dealing with the depression and guilt it causes as the mind grieves, sometimes it's easy to forget that God hasn't left.
I don't know the responsibility you feel for the demise of your marriage, but I know you share some of it. Let me explain.
You may be in a position where you left and abandoned your family. On the contrary, you may have been the one left behind. In either position, you are responsible for the way you conducted yourself in the union and the decisions you made. It is not all the ex's fault. Don't play the blame game! And at the same time, don't take responsibility for decisions he or she made. Each of you share in some part of the blame, some part of the responsibility. Recognize your part of it. Apologize for it if you still have a civil relationship with your ex. If you're communicating only through lawyers and don't have the opportunity, then confess it to family or friends and most importantly to God.
And remember, God hasn't left you.
One of the loneliest nights of my life was the night after my mother's funeral. Yes, my mother passed away shortly after my husband and I separated. That night as I was alone in the bedroom he and I shared, having put the kids to bed long before, I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I was alone. I didn't see how joy could ever fill my heart again. And I questioned. I questioned God's Will, His love, His sovereignty. I questioned how He could let her die in a time when I needed her the most. I cried out to Him like I never had before.
"Do you still love me?"
My soul longed to know how a Father God planned to use my pain for a greater good. I needed to know He was still there, because I couldn't feel His presense. That night was a fork in the road night for me. I made a decision. I decided I would recommit to growing my faith because I knew if I didn't, I would give up under the pressure and pain I was in.
You see in those days the root of my problem was not simply that my marriage was broken. No, it was that my relationship with God was broken.
This is a hard truth to realize, and an even harder thing for me to suggest for someone else. But this is the perfect time for reexamining your faith. Its a time to put priorities back into perspective. Because the root of any marriage problem is a sin problem. And a sin problem is the result of a broken relationship with God. We reap what we sow. The sooner we come to grips with this reality of life, the better off we will be.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?-unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"-2 Cor. 13:5
Isn't it so very easy to get distracted by the world? We get caught up in sinful passions. We get complacent with doing our part to go through the motions of Christianity and lose the zeal and joy we once had. We compromise our convictions to make others like us and set God aside. Maybe we even walk away from the faith we once claimed.
The result? Brokenness. Always; brokenness in marriages, homes, families, communities, churches and our very souls.
I know how very broken I felt, and if I felt it, I figure others have had moments like this too. Once I admitted I was broken, it became easier to admit I didn't have the answers to piece my life back together on my own. But God.... He can.
In order to move on, move forward, and live the abundant life He promised, we must recognize the areas where we have fallen. We must take responsibility and reach out to the Father for healing. If you find yourself in this place, may I beg you to consider talking to leadership in your congregation? Or if you've stopped, start going back to church. That's a great first step.
These are not easy things to do. I know this. And I don't pretend for a second that I am everything I need to be. I absolutely am not. But even in my worst moments, God never left. And He hasn't left you either. Trust Him. Submit to Him. He will see you through this. He will help you overcome.
-Mel
While processing through the past, what went wrong in your relationship and dealing with the depression and guilt it causes as the mind grieves, sometimes it's easy to forget that God hasn't left.
I don't know the responsibility you feel for the demise of your marriage, but I know you share some of it. Let me explain.
You may be in a position where you left and abandoned your family. On the contrary, you may have been the one left behind. In either position, you are responsible for the way you conducted yourself in the union and the decisions you made. It is not all the ex's fault. Don't play the blame game! And at the same time, don't take responsibility for decisions he or she made. Each of you share in some part of the blame, some part of the responsibility. Recognize your part of it. Apologize for it if you still have a civil relationship with your ex. If you're communicating only through lawyers and don't have the opportunity, then confess it to family or friends and most importantly to God.
And remember, God hasn't left you.
One of the loneliest nights of my life was the night after my mother's funeral. Yes, my mother passed away shortly after my husband and I separated. That night as I was alone in the bedroom he and I shared, having put the kids to bed long before, I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I was alone. I didn't see how joy could ever fill my heart again. And I questioned. I questioned God's Will, His love, His sovereignty. I questioned how He could let her die in a time when I needed her the most. I cried out to Him like I never had before.
"Do you still love me?"
My soul longed to know how a Father God planned to use my pain for a greater good. I needed to know He was still there, because I couldn't feel His presense. That night was a fork in the road night for me. I made a decision. I decided I would recommit to growing my faith because I knew if I didn't, I would give up under the pressure and pain I was in.
You see in those days the root of my problem was not simply that my marriage was broken. No, it was that my relationship with God was broken.
This is a hard truth to realize, and an even harder thing for me to suggest for someone else. But this is the perfect time for reexamining your faith. Its a time to put priorities back into perspective. Because the root of any marriage problem is a sin problem. And a sin problem is the result of a broken relationship with God. We reap what we sow. The sooner we come to grips with this reality of life, the better off we will be.
"Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?-unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"-2 Cor. 13:5
Isn't it so very easy to get distracted by the world? We get caught up in sinful passions. We get complacent with doing our part to go through the motions of Christianity and lose the zeal and joy we once had. We compromise our convictions to make others like us and set God aside. Maybe we even walk away from the faith we once claimed.
The result? Brokenness. Always; brokenness in marriages, homes, families, communities, churches and our very souls.
I know how very broken I felt, and if I felt it, I figure others have had moments like this too. Once I admitted I was broken, it became easier to admit I didn't have the answers to piece my life back together on my own. But God.... He can.
In order to move on, move forward, and live the abundant life He promised, we must recognize the areas where we have fallen. We must take responsibility and reach out to the Father for healing. If you find yourself in this place, may I beg you to consider talking to leadership in your congregation? Or if you've stopped, start going back to church. That's a great first step.
These are not easy things to do. I know this. And I don't pretend for a second that I am everything I need to be. I absolutely am not. But even in my worst moments, God never left. And He hasn't left you either. Trust Him. Submit to Him. He will see you through this. He will help you overcome.
-Mel
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian-Feeling like a Failure.
*Disclaimer*
Please read and understand the spirit behind this blog series is simply to use my experiences, my story to help others going through quite possibly the hardest time in thier life. I want to be an encourager that says, you'll get through this. God will work it all out for your good. However, it is only my side of the story of my divorce and I can only speak to how I felt, what I experienced, etc. There are two sides to every story, and I will only speak to mine.
I remember when my marriage first broke up and my husband and I separated, I didn't fully understand the reality of my situation. I was in that shock mode we mentioned in the last post, http://overcomerblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/surviving-divorce-as-christian.html?m=1
I kept telling myself that we were in a fight and that was all. I loved him, he loved me, we were fine. We would work it out. For the first couple weeks I made excuses for him as to why he wasn't at our normal activities with me. "He's working," became my standard answer because it was the closest to the truth without having to admit my life was falling apart.
I'll never forget a conversation I had with my mom in those first few weeks. All I could think about is how every family has that one kid that screws up, is the black sheep, is an embarrassment, etc and I seemed to be filling that position.
"I don't want to embarrass you and dad," I told her. "I don't want to be that child."
I suppose these feelings were a mixture of embarrassment, hurt and a broken ego.
And like any good mother would, she gently scolded me and said, "Mel, we love you and are proud of you no matter what happens. You are not embarrassing us, get that out of your mind."
But at first, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Especially as our story unfolded more and more and we didn't "kiss and make up" the way I thought we would, the word failure was permenentally stamped to my forehead. It's not easy to have your life fall apart in such a public way.
The more I dwelt on the past, the more I saw my mistakes and how I hadn't treasured him, respected him, or even loved him the way I should have. I had failed in my marriage.
I imagine whether you're just separated, beginning the legal process, or finished with it and everything is supposed to magically be okay now, you probably feel like a failure too.
It almost becomes a part of you. You try not to be jealous of your friends or church members who all have "perfect" marriages (a complete falsehood by the way) but every time you see one spouse with a problem and the other spouse there to help them out, you're reminded that you failed. Failed your spouse, failed your vows, failed your children, failed your family name, failed your God.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I hear your heart crying. I know the depressing thoughts running through your head like its the wild west.
Now, let me remind you of the truth in God's word.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."-Psalm 139:14
"Why, even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are worth more than many sparrows."-Luke 12:7
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. The details of why and who did what doesn't matter. God thinks you're wonderful. He created you for a purpose and with a passion.
My advice to you when you are bogged down with regrets and mistakes you made in your marriage is to write down scripture verses that speak to God's view of you. Remind yourself that the one and only creator sent His son to die, just to have a relationship with you. Place these scriptures where you'll see them often. This is advice I was given, and I will pass it on because it helped me so much to view myself the way He viewed me.
He didn't view me as a failure, and He doesn't view you that way either. He loves you, His child. He wants the very best for you. Don't forget that.
-Mel
Please read and understand the spirit behind this blog series is simply to use my experiences, my story to help others going through quite possibly the hardest time in thier life. I want to be an encourager that says, you'll get through this. God will work it all out for your good. However, it is only my side of the story of my divorce and I can only speak to how I felt, what I experienced, etc. There are two sides to every story, and I will only speak to mine.
I remember when my marriage first broke up and my husband and I separated, I didn't fully understand the reality of my situation. I was in that shock mode we mentioned in the last post, http://overcomerblog.blogspot.com/2017/04/surviving-divorce-as-christian.html?m=1
I kept telling myself that we were in a fight and that was all. I loved him, he loved me, we were fine. We would work it out. For the first couple weeks I made excuses for him as to why he wasn't at our normal activities with me. "He's working," became my standard answer because it was the closest to the truth without having to admit my life was falling apart.
I'll never forget a conversation I had with my mom in those first few weeks. All I could think about is how every family has that one kid that screws up, is the black sheep, is an embarrassment, etc and I seemed to be filling that position.
"I don't want to embarrass you and dad," I told her. "I don't want to be that child."
I suppose these feelings were a mixture of embarrassment, hurt and a broken ego.
And like any good mother would, she gently scolded me and said, "Mel, we love you and are proud of you no matter what happens. You are not embarrassing us, get that out of your mind."
But at first, I couldn't. I felt like a failure. Especially as our story unfolded more and more and we didn't "kiss and make up" the way I thought we would, the word failure was permenentally stamped to my forehead. It's not easy to have your life fall apart in such a public way.
The more I dwelt on the past, the more I saw my mistakes and how I hadn't treasured him, respected him, or even loved him the way I should have. I had failed in my marriage.
I imagine whether you're just separated, beginning the legal process, or finished with it and everything is supposed to magically be okay now, you probably feel like a failure too.
It almost becomes a part of you. You try not to be jealous of your friends or church members who all have "perfect" marriages (a complete falsehood by the way) but every time you see one spouse with a problem and the other spouse there to help them out, you're reminded that you failed. Failed your spouse, failed your vows, failed your children, failed your family name, failed your God.
I'm here to tell you I get it. I hear your heart crying. I know the depressing thoughts running through your head like its the wild west.
Now, let me remind you of the truth in God's word.
"I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."-Psalm 139:14
"Why, even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are worth more than many sparrows."-Luke 12:7
It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. The details of why and who did what doesn't matter. God thinks you're wonderful. He created you for a purpose and with a passion.
My advice to you when you are bogged down with regrets and mistakes you made in your marriage is to write down scripture verses that speak to God's view of you. Remind yourself that the one and only creator sent His son to die, just to have a relationship with you. Place these scriptures where you'll see them often. This is advice I was given, and I will pass it on because it helped me so much to view myself the way He viewed me.
He didn't view me as a failure, and He doesn't view you that way either. He loves you, His child. He wants the very best for you. Don't forget that.
-Mel
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Surviving divorce as a Christian- The beginning of the end.
"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."- Psalm 119:50
Divorce and Christian in the same sentence can send some people into a panic attack. Divorce? Really? Never. Not for a Christian. We know the commitment is till death. And yet divorce, even in the church is continuing to become more of the norm.
Divorce and Christian in the same sentence can send some people into a panic attack. Divorce? Really? Never. Not for a Christian. We know the commitment is till death. And yet divorce, even in the church is continuing to become more of the norm.
That's where the conundrum begins for someone like me. Hi, I'm Melody. A Christian and a divorcee. I say that only to introduce my thoughts on this subject, but don't mistake that intro as the way I define myself. I'm defined as nothing but a child of God saved by His grace.
Back to the conundrum. Because divorce is so common, there is a need to encourage those going through it that it really will be okay, they will live again, they will move forward, and they will have joy in their lives again. They are not alone. And yet, I would never want to ignore the truth that where divorce is, so is sin, betrayal and broken vows. It is the result of falling off the path God chose in the beginning when He created Eve. It is not a good thing. It is not a desired thing. It is to be avoided at all costs. It is serious, and not to be taken lightly. So with that said, I'll now state my disclaimer.
If you are currently married but contemplating divorce, stop reading right now. Evaluate your situation on whether divorce is even biblical. The Lord allows divorce for two reasons: 1. Infidelity in the relationship and 2. An unbeliever who walks away and abandons the union. It's also fair to note that just because a spouse has been unfaithful in the marriage does not mean divorce is commanded or even still the right thing. There is perhaps no better example of Christ's love and forgiveness in the flesh then when a spouse can forgive the other of infidelity and commit to renewing the vows and rebuilding the trust.
So, stop reading, find your spouse, tell them you want a better relationship. Read marriage devotionals or talk to leadership in your congregation about counseling. Do whatever you can do to stop your train of thought. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
This is not meant to encourage divorce, only to encourage those faced with this reality that they can get through the pain. Perhaps it can give insight to others who have strong marriages of what divorcees face during their time of grief.
Have you had the talk? The one where you or your spouse asks for a Divorce? If so, you are probably in shock. You can't think straight, you can't function normally. Even if a part of you knew it was coming, the reality still hits like a slap in the face. Strike that; like a train has run you over, backed up, and crushed you again. How is it that you're even still alive?
It is often in the beginning of this transition where the mind wanders back to the glory days of dating and early marriage. You remember everything like new again. I know for me, I remembered the long nights on the phone where we would just pour our hearts out to each other. There were several times, including the night before our wedding, where we talked until we fell asleep. I remember waking the next morning to shuffling sounds and picking up the phone still connected, to tell him good morning.
There may be one nagging question in your mind. "Where did we go wrong?"
And the reality is that the answer will be different for everyone. You and your spouse may not even agree. But this is an important part of the process of divorce and moving forward. This question shouldn't be ignored.
It's the beginning of the end. And it can serve to teach you and help you as you rebuild your life.
It may not be easy to pinpoint it exactly. For me, I can tell you the exact moment things forever changed. Of course I didn't recognize it then, but I'm forever the wiser and will not make those same mistakes again; not in my life, and not in a future relationship should it be God's Will that I marry again.
This elephant in the room, the defining moment where your marriage began to end can be anything from a decision not to communicate properly or apologize after a fight, getting a job that took you away from the family or church, not prioritizing time together, being more interested in your phone then real human contact, a disinterest in helping in the parenting duties, and on and on. The beginning of the end is not usually the big blow up things. It's not the affair, emotional or physical. It's not abuse, or total abandonment. It's not alcohol addiction. Or drugs. Or whatever.
It's that little nagging thing that happened that caused a chain reaction. If you recognize it soon enough, you can fix it. But if you don't, it will spiral out of control until you're sitting next to a stranger making one of the hardest decisions of your life.
People might tell you "don't dwell on the past." And they mean well, I promise. But they don't realize that in the beginning of the divorce journey, dwelling on the past is the only thing you can really do to keep your sanity. It is needed. It is useful. You will be flooded with nostalgia. Memories good and bad will not leave you alone. Don't ignore this step in the process. Don't fight it. Use your reflecting time as an anchor to help you rebuild. Remember that successful people usually have a lot of failures in their life first. That's how they're successful; they learned from their mistakes.
Remember that it won't always be this painful. Take it from someone who understands. You're a precious child of God. You're an overcomer.
"The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit."-Psalm 34:18
Monday, April 3, 2017
Why are you the way you are?
Why are you the way you are? Has anyone ever asked you this question? Have you stopped and thought about it before?
Perhaps some of your features or personality traits you inherited straight from your parents. Maybe they are easy to blame for your hot temper or goofy sense of humor.
But we all know that different experiences we face in life help to shape us. They grow us. They change us. I can often look at someone in my life and perhaps not understand why they deal with things differently than me, or have an issue that I don't, or are tempted in ways I've never been. But I can also look at my own life. I can see where I'm skeptical and if I'm in tuned to it, can point myself back to exactly why. I can see my temptations and know exactly where and how they started. I can admit I have a hard time in a certain area, and can trace it back to the reason.
Why am I the way I am? Life made me this way. People made me this way. I learned to be this way.
But wait? Do we have to be defined by our past experiences? Does a single event have to create the same outcome every time? Someone betrays us - we stop trusting. We lose a job, and we begin to think that we can't take care of ourselves. Someone sins against us, and we think the scars it caused will always be visible. So we live a closed up life full of hiding. We go through life only feeling half the happiness we could be feeling, because our past is chained to our leg and we are dragging it behind us. Does this sound familiar?
I know this question is a normal one for people to ask or perhaps think about others. Why are they the way they are? It may be said with a little bit of an attitude at times, but I think it's also just normal curiosity. It can also be a question filled with compassion. But honestly, I don't want people to ask this about me even if it's in a compassionate way. Not unless they are wondering how I became so selfless, giving, compassionate, filled with joy, loving, or Christ like.
So, am I using my past negative experiences to help me become better? Or am I letting the past drag behind me and make me bitter? I have a long way to go. I know that people will look at me and they will see lack in all of these areas. But the goal remains the same. We can be overcomers through the strength that the Father provides. And then when others see us and wonder how we became who we are, all glory will go to Him.
Perhaps some of your features or personality traits you inherited straight from your parents. Maybe they are easy to blame for your hot temper or goofy sense of humor.
But we all know that different experiences we face in life help to shape us. They grow us. They change us. I can often look at someone in my life and perhaps not understand why they deal with things differently than me, or have an issue that I don't, or are tempted in ways I've never been. But I can also look at my own life. I can see where I'm skeptical and if I'm in tuned to it, can point myself back to exactly why. I can see my temptations and know exactly where and how they started. I can admit I have a hard time in a certain area, and can trace it back to the reason.
Why am I the way I am? Life made me this way. People made me this way. I learned to be this way.
But wait? Do we have to be defined by our past experiences? Does a single event have to create the same outcome every time? Someone betrays us - we stop trusting. We lose a job, and we begin to think that we can't take care of ourselves. Someone sins against us, and we think the scars it caused will always be visible. So we live a closed up life full of hiding. We go through life only feeling half the happiness we could be feeling, because our past is chained to our leg and we are dragging it behind us. Does this sound familiar?
I know this question is a normal one for people to ask or perhaps think about others. Why are they the way they are? It may be said with a little bit of an attitude at times, but I think it's also just normal curiosity. It can also be a question filled with compassion. But honestly, I don't want people to ask this about me even if it's in a compassionate way. Not unless they are wondering how I became so selfless, giving, compassionate, filled with joy, loving, or Christ like.
So, am I using my past negative experiences to help me become better? Or am I letting the past drag behind me and make me bitter? I have a long way to go. I know that people will look at me and they will see lack in all of these areas. But the goal remains the same. We can be overcomers through the strength that the Father provides. And then when others see us and wonder how we became who we are, all glory will go to Him.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Breathe New Life
Have you ever felt like a dead man walking? You know, just going through the motions of life numb to the ebb and flow of emotions? You don't feel happy. You don't really feel anything at all. You just exist.
Or maybe you see this in someone close to you-your child perhaps.
What can you do for them? When your child hurts, you hurt. But sometimes you just can't take away the pain they are going through.
My children are young and so, they have not experienced broken hearts, broken dreams, financial burdens, etc in the same ways we face as adults. They have been blessed so far with good health and I pray that continues. Therefore, I have not had to witness them suffer the way some parents do. But if you've ever experienced the worry, anxiety, and concern that comes with a child (no matter their age) suffering whether it is physically, emotionally or financially, to the point where you can't see their spark, their joy, their fire anymore, I think you'll appreciate this story in 1 Kings. I know it brought me great comfort.
And it came to pass after these things, that the son of the woman, the mistress of the house, fell sick; and his sickness was so sore, that there was no breath left in Him. - 1 Kings 17:17
In this story Elijah is staying with a widow and her son according to what the Lord had commanded him to do. The widow didn't have much, but she opened her home at his word that while he was there her meal and oil would not be used up. (Side note, when we follow Gods lead to be hospitable despite our lack, He has a way of providing for us more than we need.) While Elijah is staying at this house, the young boy gets sick and then dies.
Can you imagine yourself in the widow's shoes? You have a man of God that you're trying to be hospitable to, and the next thing you know, your life completely turns upside down. Her response is completely natural.
And she said to Elijah. "What have I to do with thee, O thou man of God? Art thou come unto me to call my sin to remembrance, and to slay my son?- 1 Kings 17:18
She begins to question Elijah. "Why is this happening? Is this to remind me of my sins?" She is questioning whether things in her past have anything to do with the suffering her son went through, and the pain she now feels as she grieves his lost life. Don't we do this same thing? Do we not blame ourselves for the suffering our kids face even if there was nothing we could have done to prevent it?
Skipping down to verse 20 where Elijah prays to God.
And he cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, hast thou also brought evil upon the widow with whom I sojourn, by slaying her son? And he stretched himself upon the child three times, and cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, I pray thee, let this child's soul come into him again. And the Lord heard the voice of Elijah; and the soul of the child came into him again, and he revived.-1 Kings 17:20-22
Let's just camp here for a minute. This is what struck me when I read through it, and the reason I'm writing this post. So, the Lord brings this little boy to life again, and theres no doubt it's a miracle. However, there are other resurrections in the Bible and so maybe that alone doesn't give you any sort of new inspiration. But if we bring it to today, and take it off of the physical resurrection and think of it in terms of emotionally or spiritually, what goes on here brings new meaning.
First off, what a beautiful prayer! And one we can pray today for our children, our friends, or whoever it may be in our life that has lost a bit of themselves in the midst of life's trials. "Lord, let her soul come into her again. Bring her back Lord. She's a dead man walking. We miss her. Breathe new life into her."
And I suppose the simple take away is that He is able. He is able to restore a person's spirit so that they can really live again. He is able to heal whatever is broken. He is able to revive.
Maybe its not someone else, but you see yourself in this position. You feel as if your spirit has left you and you're just a shell of who you used to be. This is a prayer you can pray for yourself as well.
"Let my soul come into me again, Father. Help me find my joy again, only in you. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want the life more abundantly that you have promised. Breathe new life into me."
I'll leave you with this, and I hope it brings comfort. The scripture says the Lord heard the prayer, the soul of the child came into him again and he revived. Our God is able to revive.
And she said to Elijah. "What have I to do with thee, O thou man of God? Art thou come unto me to call my sin to remembrance, and to slay my son?- 1 Kings 17:18
She begins to question Elijah. "Why is this happening? Is this to remind me of my sins?" She is questioning whether things in her past have anything to do with the suffering her son went through, and the pain she now feels as she grieves his lost life. Don't we do this same thing? Do we not blame ourselves for the suffering our kids face even if there was nothing we could have done to prevent it?
Skipping down to verse 20 where Elijah prays to God.
And he cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, hast thou also brought evil upon the widow with whom I sojourn, by slaying her son? And he stretched himself upon the child three times, and cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord my God, I pray thee, let this child's soul come into him again. And the Lord heard the voice of Elijah; and the soul of the child came into him again, and he revived.-1 Kings 17:20-22
Let's just camp here for a minute. This is what struck me when I read through it, and the reason I'm writing this post. So, the Lord brings this little boy to life again, and theres no doubt it's a miracle. However, there are other resurrections in the Bible and so maybe that alone doesn't give you any sort of new inspiration. But if we bring it to today, and take it off of the physical resurrection and think of it in terms of emotionally or spiritually, what goes on here brings new meaning.
First off, what a beautiful prayer! And one we can pray today for our children, our friends, or whoever it may be in our life that has lost a bit of themselves in the midst of life's trials. "Lord, let her soul come into her again. Bring her back Lord. She's a dead man walking. We miss her. Breathe new life into her."
And I suppose the simple take away is that He is able. He is able to restore a person's spirit so that they can really live again. He is able to heal whatever is broken. He is able to revive.
Maybe its not someone else, but you see yourself in this position. You feel as if your spirit has left you and you're just a shell of who you used to be. This is a prayer you can pray for yourself as well.
"Let my soul come into me again, Father. Help me find my joy again, only in you. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want the life more abundantly that you have promised. Breathe new life into me."
I'll leave you with this, and I hope it brings comfort. The scripture says the Lord heard the prayer, the soul of the child came into him again and he revived. Our God is able to revive.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Not me, Lord.
"Not me, Lord. Please, not me."
"Are you really there? I've always been told you care. And I thought I believed that. But this... How can this be good?"
"I know I'm not perfect. But I'm trying Father. I'm trying to be who you want me to be. Do you see me down here? I can't live with this pain. I can't do it by myself. Please, help me."
Have you ever uttered similar words in the dead of night as tears streamed down your face?
This was me almost 4 years ago on one of my darkest nights. I have never felt so alone as I did that night. Everything in my life seemed to come crashing down in a matter of days, and I was forever scarred. I consider myself to be a pretty private person. But this... this was public, just out there for everyone in my circle to see. My scars were visible.
Not me, Lord.
Months of praying and dozens of devotional books later, I still couldn't comprehend that my life was in shambles or find a way to get out of the mess I was in. Was it because I wasn't a "good enough" Christian? Or on the contrary, was this a response of the enemy to try to break me down because I was doing what was right?
Not me Lord...
Where did God fit in to this situation? Could it be that God was saying no to my hopes and dreams to bring me to a new place that was much better suited for me?
I don't pretend to know exactly how God works, but I do know from the story of Job that Satan was directly involved in Job's trials and yet, God allowed it all for Job's good. God uses our darkest moments to teach us our most needed lessons. I needed to know that I was loved by Him, even when I felt rejected by people. I needed to learn that death is a part of life in order to renew my passion for His kingdom. I needed to feel lonely so that I would stop depending on family, friends or people in general to fill the holes only He was meant to fill. I needed the storm to surround me so that I could appreciate the power in the phrase, "peace, be still."
You may be uttering these words right now. Not me, Lord. Maybe you're in a place you never wanted to be. Can I encourage you to let Him show you the purpose behind the pain?
Sometimes the purpose isn't grand. It doesn't always result in a beautifully crafted plan that falls into place at the right moment. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesnt. Yet, there IS purpose in our pain.
Even if the only thing your pain teaches you in this life is that this life has problems, it has served it's purpose to remind you that Heaven is worth striving for.
We have a good Father. A Father that loves us. Everything He orchestrates in our life is for our good. There's an old phrase, "if God brings you to it, He can bring you through it."
Can I encourage you to change one word in this cry we so often make? What I'm suggesting is really bold, and may seem a little bit crazy. But stick with me. Instead of begging "not me, Lord," let's submit our will to His and simply say, "yes me, Lord."
Yes to anything that helps us grow. Yes to anything that brings us closer to Him. Yes, even to pain in this life so our hope can be in Him instead.
I can honestly say that when I've had this perspective, I've always found purpose behind my pain. And guess what, there really is Joy on the other side of trials.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."- James 1:2-4
"Are you really there? I've always been told you care. And I thought I believed that. But this... How can this be good?"
"I know I'm not perfect. But I'm trying Father. I'm trying to be who you want me to be. Do you see me down here? I can't live with this pain. I can't do it by myself. Please, help me."
Have you ever uttered similar words in the dead of night as tears streamed down your face?
This was me almost 4 years ago on one of my darkest nights. I have never felt so alone as I did that night. Everything in my life seemed to come crashing down in a matter of days, and I was forever scarred. I consider myself to be a pretty private person. But this... this was public, just out there for everyone in my circle to see. My scars were visible.
Not me, Lord.
Months of praying and dozens of devotional books later, I still couldn't comprehend that my life was in shambles or find a way to get out of the mess I was in. Was it because I wasn't a "good enough" Christian? Or on the contrary, was this a response of the enemy to try to break me down because I was doing what was right?
Not me Lord...
Where did God fit in to this situation? Could it be that God was saying no to my hopes and dreams to bring me to a new place that was much better suited for me?
I don't pretend to know exactly how God works, but I do know from the story of Job that Satan was directly involved in Job's trials and yet, God allowed it all for Job's good. God uses our darkest moments to teach us our most needed lessons. I needed to know that I was loved by Him, even when I felt rejected by people. I needed to learn that death is a part of life in order to renew my passion for His kingdom. I needed to feel lonely so that I would stop depending on family, friends or people in general to fill the holes only He was meant to fill. I needed the storm to surround me so that I could appreciate the power in the phrase, "peace, be still."
You may be uttering these words right now. Not me, Lord. Maybe you're in a place you never wanted to be. Can I encourage you to let Him show you the purpose behind the pain?
Sometimes the purpose isn't grand. It doesn't always result in a beautifully crafted plan that falls into place at the right moment. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesnt. Yet, there IS purpose in our pain.
Even if the only thing your pain teaches you in this life is that this life has problems, it has served it's purpose to remind you that Heaven is worth striving for.
We have a good Father. A Father that loves us. Everything He orchestrates in our life is for our good. There's an old phrase, "if God brings you to it, He can bring you through it."
Can I encourage you to change one word in this cry we so often make? What I'm suggesting is really bold, and may seem a little bit crazy. But stick with me. Instead of begging "not me, Lord," let's submit our will to His and simply say, "yes me, Lord."
Yes to anything that helps us grow. Yes to anything that brings us closer to Him. Yes, even to pain in this life so our hope can be in Him instead.
I can honestly say that when I've had this perspective, I've always found purpose behind my pain. And guess what, there really is Joy on the other side of trials.
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."- James 1:2-4
Friday, January 20, 2017
Stay in the fight
I have something to confess to the blogging world.
I used to be a perfect parent.
Before I had kids.
But in all seriousness, I think most of us start out our parenting years with plans, ideas and think so's of what our 18+ years of parenthood will be.
I know for me, I envisioned family dinners around the table, nighttime devotionals, crafting projects with bible themed learning, church ministries and bedtime prayers.
I imagined never taking my frustrations out on my children, always showing patience, and loving every single second of motherhood with everything in me.
Even while the kids are young, we still tend to have it figured out. But eventually kids get minds of their own. Situations change. Influences come into the picture that you have little (if any) control over.
And suddenly you realize this parenthood thing is the most difficult task you'll ever complete.
How do you teach your kids the values and morals you hold dear while other influences discourage them?
Kids at school, friends, perhaps even teachers or family members; I don't know your situation, but I know you probably have parental road blocks that get in the way of your ideals and goals for your kids.
Sometimes you have to take a stand and make hard decisions to keep the values you are trying to teach your kids.
Perhaps they are not allowed to watch certain things, even when their friends are.
But sometimes you have to learn to let go, and trust that they are in God's hands. (Like the first time your little girl spends the night away from home and you have unrealistic visions flash through your head of car crashes)
Sometimes we can get so discouraged by our lack of perfection as a parent, or lack of control over situations that we can just sort of start going through the motions and lose our zeal.
We stop even trying to read those devotionals. Life is too busy. We stop spending time outdoors playing ball. Give them an electronic device to entertain them. We stop prioritizing those extra ministry opportunities because well, we're tired after the long week. Instead of always embracing the hands that clings to us, we hide in the bathroom just for a few minutes of alone time.
The kids are clothed and fed, and we become satisfied with the bare minimum.
Don't do it friends!
Stay in the fight. Fight for your family. Fight for your children. Fight for their souls.
Spend quality time with them, not just simply teaching them, but enjoying them as well.
Take them to church. Read the Bible to them. Do devotionals with them. Say goodnight prayers before bed. Talk about school, friends, church, God, and well, anything at the dinner table. Take those family days. Vacation with them. Make memories doing things you all enjoy.
Life is busy, that is true. And you may not be able to parent 100% the way you envisioned as you started your journey. But don't go through the motions when it comes to your kids. Stay in the fight.
With eyes on the Father, we can overcome whatever obstacles are in the way to use our 18+ years of parenting to the fullest. We're raising the future generations. That deserves, no demands our highest priority. Stay in the fight!
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."-Prov. 22:6
I used to be a perfect parent.
Before I had kids.
But in all seriousness, I think most of us start out our parenting years with plans, ideas and think so's of what our 18+ years of parenthood will be.
I know for me, I envisioned family dinners around the table, nighttime devotionals, crafting projects with bible themed learning, church ministries and bedtime prayers.
I imagined never taking my frustrations out on my children, always showing patience, and loving every single second of motherhood with everything in me.
Even while the kids are young, we still tend to have it figured out. But eventually kids get minds of their own. Situations change. Influences come into the picture that you have little (if any) control over.
And suddenly you realize this parenthood thing is the most difficult task you'll ever complete.
How do you teach your kids the values and morals you hold dear while other influences discourage them?
Kids at school, friends, perhaps even teachers or family members; I don't know your situation, but I know you probably have parental road blocks that get in the way of your ideals and goals for your kids.
Sometimes you have to take a stand and make hard decisions to keep the values you are trying to teach your kids.
Perhaps they are not allowed to watch certain things, even when their friends are.
But sometimes you have to learn to let go, and trust that they are in God's hands. (Like the first time your little girl spends the night away from home and you have unrealistic visions flash through your head of car crashes)
Sometimes we can get so discouraged by our lack of perfection as a parent, or lack of control over situations that we can just sort of start going through the motions and lose our zeal.
We stop even trying to read those devotionals. Life is too busy. We stop spending time outdoors playing ball. Give them an electronic device to entertain them. We stop prioritizing those extra ministry opportunities because well, we're tired after the long week. Instead of always embracing the hands that clings to us, we hide in the bathroom just for a few minutes of alone time.
The kids are clothed and fed, and we become satisfied with the bare minimum.
Don't do it friends!
Stay in the fight. Fight for your family. Fight for your children. Fight for their souls.
Spend quality time with them, not just simply teaching them, but enjoying them as well.
Take them to church. Read the Bible to them. Do devotionals with them. Say goodnight prayers before bed. Talk about school, friends, church, God, and well, anything at the dinner table. Take those family days. Vacation with them. Make memories doing things you all enjoy.
Life is busy, that is true. And you may not be able to parent 100% the way you envisioned as you started your journey. But don't go through the motions when it comes to your kids. Stay in the fight.
With eyes on the Father, we can overcome whatever obstacles are in the way to use our 18+ years of parenting to the fullest. We're raising the future generations. That deserves, no demands our highest priority. Stay in the fight!
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."-Prov. 22:6
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